TOP 10 TRANSFERS SUMMER 2019 #10 I want Thorgan Hazard. It’s Zorc, we want Hazard. How much? Okay, we’ll do it. And tell him to bring a friend. You have your man, Hazard. A steal at 25m euros. Amazing! I brought my friend, Julian Brandt. For 50m Euros you can have us both. Lucien, do you want them both? I’m a sucker for a group deal. It’s Zorc, deal! Now, is there anyone else you want? Hummels! Say no more! But… It’s Zorc, we want Hummels. How much? Okay, we’ll do it! You have your man, Hummels! He’s ageing and at breaking point physically, but who cares? It was only 37m Euros, and we can recoup that ten times over… …when I sell Jadon Sancho from under your nose next season. but pretend I never mentioned it. But… Nicky Butt?! He’s retired. Time for your nap, Lucien! #10, DORTMUND TRANSFER FRENZY #9 £70m for Maguire and that’s our final offer.
We don’t have as much money as you think you know! Thanks for the £50m, Ole! Too kind! And thanks for 150k a week! And the generous signing on fee! I had it made into this suit! And good luck spending the rest of that £80m you said you had left! Farewell Awon! Pesky little owls and his disabled mouth! Well this is a wee bit awkward… Okay, we’ll go to £80m. Done! Thanks for showing faith on me boss. For wages can I have 10 grand a week and a lifetime supply of Greggs? Deal! And one final thing Ole, keep the office the way it is. This will do me nicely come January… What!? #9 HARRY MAGUIRE #8 Look, Gareth. I have to look to be forward thinking and like I’m making big changes. Okay? What are you going to do? I am going to slag you off to everyone, tell them you need to leave… …put you on a plane to China then change my mind at the last minute after buying a young striker who will perform so badly from the start that the fans… …will think he’s sh** and let me loan him to PSG in return for Neymar in the January transfer window. In the meantime, I’ll let you play again, you’ll score some goals, Madridistas will love you again and I’ll look like a genius. But I haven’t given it much thought. I lost you a bit there bud but fine, as long as you let me skip training and play golf every day. Deal! Who’s the striker going to be? Hal Robson Kanu? He can’t be that sh**. Hmm, let me think… There’s a kid at Eintracht Frankfurt called Jović who scored 5 goals in a game once Then Jović it is! #8 LUCA JOVIĆ #7 Yes?
Hello, Mr. Solskjaer. Porn? No – I’m watching CCTV – Diego Godin is trying to make it up a flight of stairs. LOL. What can I do for you? Apart from advise you how to be a less sh** coach? Come again? You will pay us to take Lukaku off your hands? And Alexis Sanchez? Of course, we will just tell the press we paid you millions and nobody will be any the wiser. Yes, I understand, the savings in your canteen food bill will make it more than worthwhile for you. And Marcus Rashford? I’m afraid I’ll have to politely decline. We are a football club, not a donkey sanctuary… Ciao. Come on Diego! You can do it! Yes! I’m so happy to be here boss! Next stop, Calgliari away! Show them what you can do! Yes! Their fans will applaud my genius!
It will be like when Ronaldo scored bicycle kick for Real Madrid at Juventus! #7 ROMELU LUKAKU #6 And now for the dramatic conclusion of the decision – 2019! My decision is… Barcelona! Oh, for fu**’s sake! No! #6 ANTOINE GRIEZMANN #5 So, Nicholas, why did you choose Arsenal? Because Man City and Liverpool were not interested Great banter! It’s not banter. I also would have chosen Tottenham, but they only offered me a weekly wage of £50 and a bag of Haribo. Cut! Nailed it! #5 NICOLAS PEPE #4 They’re kicking me out of Barca, but where should I go? If you come to Arsenal I can promise you European football… and training is really funny now we get to watch David Luiz trying to defend close-up. Please come to PSG! Then I might still get my dream move back to Barca! That’s not the most inspiring advice I’ve ever heard. F**k you! I’m off to Miami! Because it’s all about Mia-mi-mi-mi! How many hundreds of thousands of pounds a week would it take for you to play for Spurs? Three? I can offer… none! Then it’s a no from me. I thought as much Hey, Phil…
Can I buy you a drink? Oh no! #4 COUTINHO #3 This man is the best young defender in the world. And as a result, for once, we have actually spent some money on a player rather than just get the cheapest possible freebies we can. It is an honour!! Come on then new boy.
Show us what you’ve got! I’m a fraud! I can’t defend at all!
Didn’t you see me against Spurs in the Champions League Semi-Final! I was hopeless! Why did you buy me!
I retire! Well that went well… #3 MATTHIJS DE LIGHT #2 And now, the moment you’ve been waiting for. The biggest signing in Atletico Madrid history, please give a huge cheer for… Kieran Tripper? They’re booing me here as well. I’m here for my big announcement!
Where is everyone? Hello mate. I’m Kieran Trippier. Who? #2 KIERAN TRI… I MEAN JOAO FELIX AND A #1 So you want to move to Real Madrid? Er… you did agree a year ago that I could. You will find no evidence of that Think of it like this, if you let me leave then perhaps that buffoon of a manager Sarri will resign… and you won’t have to pay him compensation for sacking him. Let him go!
As I said all along, you are welcome to leave. Take my private jet! First stop Pizza Hut buffet! Time to get rid of Sarri No, not like that! But I’ll allow you some fun with him once he’s left… Pneumonia? Yes, pneumonia… aka The Mourinho infection…