Brewstew – Camping

Brewstew – Camping I did a lot of camping, growing up as a kid Which is kind of a strange thing,
when you look at it You’d be sitting there one day, playing Nintendo Your dad bursts into your room:
“HEY!” “Hey, I know you’re comfortable
and everything and you’re having a good time..” “But do you wanna go out
in the woods in the cold?” “Maybe get a little damp,
not have a good time at all?” “You wanna go camping?” And I’m like, “What? Camping?
What are you talking about?!” “What are we, getting evicted?” “No, I don’t wanna go camping!
I’m trying to beat the Chain Chomp on Mario 64!” But I ended up always liking camping,
because you got to do whatever you wanted I haven’t showered in 3 days,
I smell like a dumpster I’ve been living off beef jerky
and marshmallows all weekend “Hey, I think that marshmallow’s done!” “Naaayy, give it a few more minutes!” My mom’s over there doing nothing
but complaining about the goddamn mosquitoes And my dad’s like, “Well, this
is our vacation, so you better enjoy it” And as a kid you don’t really know what to do
when you’re camping, so you’re just standing there Just making up games “Uuhhh, you wanna play sticks?” “Yeah, let’s play sticks, sure!” *whoosh-whoosh-whoosh-whoosh* “Uh, are we winning?” “Oh yeah, yeah.. I think so.. I don’t know” *whoosh-whoosh-whoosh-whoosh* And this one time my parents brought
my cousin David along with us to the campground And it’s one of the first memories
I ever have of camping It was nighttime and we were
sleeping in our little tent And he wakes me up
in the middle of the night and he’s like, “Duuud, I gotta poop!” And I’m like, “Okay,
there’s a bathroom right over there..” “No, you don’t understand!” “There might be poop in my pants
already, I gotta go right NOW!” So he stumbles out in the dark
and he’s got a roll of toilet paper with him And he goes to the edge of our campsite
and just starts pooping all willy-nilly Just wherever it goes,
wherever it lands, whatever! And as he’s using the toilet paper,
he’s kinda just throwing it wherever he wants ‘Cause it’s dark out, he can’t see anything And he comes back in the tent
and he falls asleep And then the morning comes, and the funny thing
about morning is you can see things in the daylight We walk out of our tent And there’s, like, this woven tapestry
of poopy toilet paper strung up on the trees Like some kind of shitty Christmas tree My dad’s like,
“OH, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!” We’re over there,
trying to eat breakfast in the morning While the goddamn campgrounds
dispatching a hazmat team To clean up David’s shitty disaster And when we weren’t destroying public campgrounds,
we’d go camping on my grandpa’s property He’s got 20 acres
out in the middle of nowhere in Ohio And my grandpa is very grandpaish, okay It’s fantastic,
he’s got suspenders, he’s got glasses He gives you a little gems of knowledge,
when you’re outdoors “You know, it’s not what a man does,
it’s who a man is that makes him a man” And I’m over there picking my nose, like,
“Ooohh, okay! Yeah, sure, Grandpa!” And he’s just so outdoors, he’d be like Kicking a bear in the face, while
he’s whittling you a birdhouse out of pine wood I’m over here, coming off
a three-day marathon on Nintendo64, like “Uh, if I see a spider, I’m gonna
poop my pants, I don’t even care!” And speaking of spiders,
we had one outhouse on the property That’s where you went to poop And this outhouse had some of the biggest
most demonic fucking spiders you’ve ever seen in your life And there was a window on the side
of the outhouse, I don’t know for what reason But every time you’d go to take a poop You’d gather an audience of little kids,
that would be hopping up and down Trying to see what you’re doing in there “HEY! What’s going on?!” “HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?!” Like, can you fucking stop?
I got enough to deal with already *Spider growls* But one thing’s certain, we made sure
that David knew exactly where that outhouse was! Cause we didn’t want another
goddamn disaster like the last campground We got fuckin’ neon signs
pointing to the damn thing And one time we were at the creek,
and we were having a little toad-catching competition And my grandpa’s buddy has his own grandson
that comes all the time, his name’s James We didn’t really like James that much,
’cause he was kind of a sociopath For example, when we were down at the creek,
one of my other cousins caught a toad And nobody else caught a toad
for the rest of the day And James was so pissed that he didn’t have
a goddamn toad, he was like, “Oh, to hell with this!” And he walked over and he squished it!
Right in front of everybody! Like, “WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?
YOU PSYCHOPATH!” “Yeah, you don’t have any toad
anymore now, do you?!” “Anybody got a puppy I can nail to a tree?
I’m freakin’ crazy!” What is this? Vietnam? Do the rules in life not apply anymore?
What the hell are you doing?! I go up to my grandpa and I’m like: “Grandpa, James is massacring animals in the woods
and it’s kinda making me uncomfortable!” And he goes over to him and he’s like, “James, it’s not how many toads
that you catch that makes you a man, okay?” “It’s what you do as a man
that makes you a man, you got it?!” “Now you listen to me” “In other words, DON’T FUCKING STEP ON TOADS
YOU FUCKING METHHEAD! What’s the matter with you?” “Now go and sit in the outhouse
full of demon spiders!” *Growling*

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