♪ [soft angelic singing] ♪ ♪ [trumpets playing ‘Deck The Halls’] ♪ ♪ [more angelic singing] ♪ Max: What the FUCK?! OOOOOOOOOOOOHHH ♪ There’s a place I know that’s tucked away ♪ ♪ A place where you and I can stay ♪ ♪ Where we can go to laugh and play ♪ ♪ and have adventures every day ♪ ♪ I know it sounds hard to believe ♪ ♪ but guys and gals it’s true ♪ ♪ Camp Campbell is the place for me and you ♪ ♪ We’ll swim through lakes and climb up trees ♪ ♪ catch fish, bugs, bears, and honeybees ♪ ♪ There’s endless possibilities ♪ ♪ and no, that’s NOT hyperbole ♪ ♪ Our motto’s “Campe Diem” and that means “I’m telling yoooooooouuuuu… ♪ ♪ we’ve got archery, hiking, search and rescue, biking, horseback, training that’ll save you from a heart attack ♪ ♪ scuba diving, miming, keeping up with rhyming ♪ ♪ football, limbo, science, stunting ♪ ♪ pre-cal, spaceships, treasure hunting ♪ ♪ bomb defusal, no refusal ♪ ♪ fantasy, circus trapeze, and ♪ ♪ fights, and ghosts, and paints, and snakes ♪ ♪ and knives, and chess, and dance, and weights ♪ ♪ It’s Camp Camp!” ♪ ♪ [winter holiday music] ♪ Max: I don’t believe it. Gwen: Kids! Get over here! Neil: What in the hell’s going on out there? Snow in the middle of summer? Gwen: I may still be working on my masters in meteorology… Max: Why? Gwen: But, I’m pretty sure we can chalk this one up to climate change. David: Don’t worry, gang! We’ll all get through this weather together! Wait, where’s Nikki? Nurf: Look! Something’s coming down the chimney that’s always been there! Nikki: It’s a miracle! I’m just so excited, everybody! It’s just like the happiest, snowiest, most magical holiday of the year. Parents’ Day! Gwen: You mean Christmas? Nikki: Oh. Right. Sorry, I don’t know why I always mix those two up. Max: It’s not Christmas, Nikki. It’s just nature trying to kill us all before we kill it first. Nikki: But can’t we just PRETEND? Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, PLEEEEASE!? David: Sorry, Nikki, but this weather’s going to put a lot of stress- Nikki: But I LOVE Christmas, David! We can sing songs, and play games, and have so much FUN! [echoing: fun…5X] Fun… David: Fun?! Without me even having to ask you?! Gwen: Okay! Hold on! David, we have a lot of work to do. David: I couldn’t agree more, Gwen. Quick! What’s everyone’s favorite Christmas tradition? Gwen: No, that’s not- Neil: Eh, I’m actually Jewish, so I’m not sure this whole thing really applies to me. Max: Yeah. And I don’t care. Unless you’re getting us presents. Nikki: WHAT?! David: Presents? That’s right. And a tree. And non-specific holiday decorations so no one feels left out! I’m wasting time! Don’t you worry, kiddos! I’ll make this the happiest holiday season for everyone! Gwen: And I’m just supposed to shovel snow all by myself? David: Well, that would be great! Thanks, Gwen! Quartermaster: And I shall prepare a Christmas goose. [gun cocking] Gwen: Bah, humbug… Preston: Well, friends, as the children of divorced parents often say… TWO CHRISTMASES! Erid and Nerris: Yeah! Woohoo! Preston: Bravo! Max: Finally. My hoodie’s time to shine. [fabric ripping/stretching] Is my head really that big? Neil: Look who you’re talking to. Nikki: Guys. How are you not more excited about this? Max: Nikki, it’s not like we’re actually going to get mountains of presents. I’m expecting a fidget spinner at best. Nikki: But that’s not what Christmas is about! Max: Black Friday death tolls beg to differ. Nikki: C’mon, Neil! Tell him why Christmas is the best! Neil: I don’t know! I don’t celebrate that stupid holiday! I’ve got my own stupid holiday that gets dragged out eight times LONGER! Max: Jesus! What’s so great about Christmas that’s got you freaking out?! Nikki: What’s so great? WHAT’S SO GREAT?! [upbeat jazz music begins] Nikki singing: ♪ I can’t believe the time is here ♪ ♪ To deck the halls and spread some cheer ♪ ♪ It is my favorite season ♪ ♪ though I can’t place the reason ♪ ♪ Christmas is my favorite time of year ♪ Max: Okay, you just kind of stated stuff we already knew. Neil: Yeah, we get that you like Christmas, but what is it ABOUT Christmas you like? Nikki: Oh ho! I’ll tell you! ♪ We’ll wrap our presents good and tight ♪ ♪ And shower Christmas trees with light ♪ ♪ Oh yuletide carols we shall sing, though I’m not sure what ‘yuletide’ means ♪ ♪ but Christmas is my favorite silent night ♪ Neil singing: ♪ So you’re about the decorations hanging everywhere ♪ Max: Don’t sing. Neil singing: ♪ The couples and their mistletoe and snowflakes in the air ♪ Max: Oh please. Neil singing: ♪ The Christmas morning presents that you open with excitement and delight ♪ ♪ So, am I right? ♪ Nikki: Not quite. Neil: WHAT?! Nikki singing: ♪ I love the bells on Santa’s sleigh ♪ ♪ and all the reindeer games to plaaaaay ♪ Max singing: ♪ Get to the point before I vomit ♪ Nikki singing: ♪ I just can’t put my finger on it ♪ ♪ but Christmas is my favorite holiday ♪ ♪ I know my reasoning’s unclear ♪ ♪ but I’m still smiling ear to eeeeeeaaar ♪ ♪ call me St. Nick ’cause I’ll keep giving ♪ ♪ so long as I can keep reliving ♪ ♪ Christmas! It’s my favorite time ♪ ♪ Don’t ask about reason or rhyme ♪ ♪ Just know that it’s my favorite time of yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaar! ♪ Max: So what you’re saying is, you have no idea. Nikki: Yes! [Max and Neil groan] Nikki: Stick a stocking in it! So maybe I can’t “explain” why I love Christmas with “words”, but I bet if I see it, I’ll know it right away! C’mon! I’m feeling all holly and jolly! Max: Ugh! Have these been… WORN BEFORE?! Neil: I THINK THERE’S A DREIDEL IN MY THROAT! ♪ [winter holiday music] ♪ David: Okay. Almost done with presents and then I can- [gasp] A B.B. gun! I bet Max would LOVE this! Do you have any safety glasses? Store Clerk: Aww! Afraid he’ll shoot his eye out? David: Oh, no! These are for me! [snow crunching] Space Kid: Hmm… [snow crunching, ice scraping] Erid: Slap shot! Neil: OH THANK GOD! Nikki: Neil! Quit being gross! You’re missing all the Christmas. Max: What Christmas? All I see is- JESUS CHRIST! Preston: EXACTLY! Neil: Preston, aren’t you freezing?! Preston: How can I be cold when I’ve got the warmth of the THEATER COURSING THROUGH MY VEINS?! HERE! I’m putting on a one man show of the nativity scene tonight! You’ll NEVER believe how it ends! [ Nikki gasping ] Nikki: The nativity scene! Oh, I LOVE those! They’ve always got a sheep or something! You got a sheep or something? Preston: WE BETTER! DOLPH! WHAT’S THE WORD ON THE MANGER ANIMALS?! Dolph: Jerusalem vasn’t built in vone day, Preston! Nikki: Woohoo! Oops! Dolph: Mein art! Max: Think you got a bad sheep there, Dolph. Neil: What is this all made out of? Dolph: Gingerbread, of course! Ze culinary arts have always eluded me, but Preston provided me with ze perfect opportunity to- GAH! ZAT IS A LOAD BEARING COOKIE! Nurf: Well, maybe you shouldn’t make it so delicious next time! Nikki: Yeah, Dolph! Really, this is your fault when you think about it. Neil: So, wait. Is it the religious stuff that gets you all excited about Christmas? Nikki: Huh? Oh. Nah! Baby J is cool and all, but I prefer the sequel where he comes back as a zombie with sweet abs! Max: Guess we can cross that off the list. Preston: Will you three quit ruining my manger?! Max: Hey, man! Jesus forgives or some shit! David: Oh you’re PERFECT! *quietly* I’m sorry tree. TIMBER! HOORAY! Christmas miracle! Space Kid: Here you go, Harrison! Harrison: Perfect! Now, all that is left is a magician’s top hat imbued with the magic of Christmas. Ta-da! Snowman: AHHHHH Snowman: God! I’m alive! I’m sentient! What is this?! Everything hurts!
Harrison: Oh my gosh! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! Snowman: I don’t have any organs! Just make it stop! Oh my God!
Harrison: I didn’t think it would work like this! I just wanted a magic friend! Oh my god! Snowman: Take off the hat! Just fucking kill me, kid, PLEASE!
Harrison: I can’t! I can’t! Harrison: Please don’t make me do it! Oh my god, please don’t make me do it!
Snowman: End my suffering, for the love of God! PLEASE! [Harrison breathing heavily] Nikki: Aww, yeah! Snowmen! Oh, that is SO Christmas! Good stuff, Harrison! Harrison: Did ANY of you see that?! Max: Okay, I’m still not following you. Is it that you like Christmas-y activities? Nikki: Eeeeeh… Sorta? Buuut, not quite, really. No. Max: Oh, for the love of- OOF! Nurf: HA HA! MERRY CHRISTMAS LOSER! And a happy Hanukkah to you, Neil. Neil: Thank yo-ugh! Nikki: What’cha doing, Nurf? Nurf: Oh, y’know, just trying to be on my best behavior. Y’know, in case Santa comes by. Max: You actually believe in Santa Claus? Nurf and Nikki: Obviously. Nikki: Who else could deliver all those presents in one night? Nurf: Or drink all the Christmas beers left out by the fireplace? Nikki: The what? Nurf: Look, guys. I’m just trying to do some good and spread some cheer. Neil: By decking people with snowballs?! Nurf: Oh. These are just for fun. I’ve got a stack stuffed with compacted ice and marbles for the kids that have been naughty. Figured I could take a few of them out to save Santa some trouble. Y’know, get on his good side. HEY! DON’T THINK I DIDN’T SEE WHAT YOU DID TO NERRIS! Sorry, guys. Duty calls. Nikki: Aww! Even Nurf is getting into the Christmas spirit! Isn’t this the best? Max: I knew it! You’re just in this for the fat man’s presents! Nikki: What?! No! I mean, I respect the guy and all he’s doing to compete with Amazon these days, but that’s not why I love Christmas. [Max grunting] [car honking and crashing] David: Happy Holidays! Nikki: David? David: (Panting) I know I’m late, kids, and I’m SO sorry, but I promise I will turn this holiday around! Oof! Oh my gosh! I forgot the CRANBERRY SAUCE! Nikki: David? It’s okay. David: But this HAS to be the perfect holiday for everyone! Nikki: Aww! That’s sweet! But I don’t think you really need any of this stuff for Christmas. David: What? Campers: WHAT?! Gwen: WHAT. THE. FUCK?! I spend all FUCKING day shoveling snow and you plow through it with the CAR?! Space Kid: Oh! There you are, Gwen! I wanted to say thanks for working so hard all the time! Gwen: Huh..? Space Kid: Merry Christmas! Nikki: THAT’S IT! David: What’s it? Nikki: THAT’S what I love about Christmas! It’s not giving presents ’cause your supposed to or being good cause Santa’s watching. It’s just trying to do nice things for other people. Neil: But, that’s not explicitly for Christmas, Nikki. Being nice is just kind of a state of mind. Nikki: Oh… I guess you’re right. Max: SERIOUSLY?! AFTER ALL THAT, THE THING YOU LOVED ABOUT CHRISTMAS WASN’T EVEN ABOUT CHRISTMAS?! Nikki: Eh. I guess not. But don’t you think that kind of makes it better? ‘Cause I mean, anyone can do it. Max: [sighs] Yeah… Nikki: Now who wants to deck the halls?! Nurf: AWW YEAH! Oww. [laugher] Preston[excitedly]: Ah-ha! Space Kid: *Quiet wooshing and other space ship noises* Max: Aww, sweet! A B.B gun! Quartermaster: A Christmas goose for everyone! Neil: I suppose the holidays aren’t that stupid. Max: I mean, they’re still stupid and most don’t make any sense, but I guess you could still enjoy ’em. Nikki: You know what else I love about Christmas? You guys. ♪ [cheery Christmas music] ♪ Nikki: Hey, everyone! Thanks for joining us for this holiday special! We have a lot of fun here at Camp Campbell, but you know what isn’t fun? Climate change. Gwen: That’s right, Nikki. The atmospheric greenhouse effect of our planet helps to retain heat energy from the sun and is more or less responsible for life on this planet, but human activity has increased the greenhouse gas — carbon dioxide — 40% since 1790. David: This means that less heat is able to escape Earth’s atmosphere and is instead warming things up on our planet at an extremely dangerous rate! Neil: Many skeptics of climate change have pointed out that the sun’s output has varied through history, but since the 1970’s, when global temperatures began increasing the fastest, solar activity has actually been decreasing. Nurf: Bullying nerds is one thing, but bullying the Earth? Come on. Space Kid: I may be dumb when it comes to a lot of stuff, but I’m still smart enough to believe in climate change. Max: So if you or someone you know is still an avid climate change denier, literally — WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! You don’t even have to go a library! Just google “Evidence supporting climate change” and learn something for Christ sake! Oh, and vaccinate your kids while you’re at it! Fuckin’ morons! Nikki: Happy Holidays! ♪ “Christmas, Christmas (or Whatever)” by: Richie Branson ♪