Camping Season


– I’m surprised we can
still get people to camp. Hey, wanna burn a couple of vacation days sleeping on the ground outside? No. What if I told you you had to crap standing up in the woods? I still wouldn’t wanna go. You’ll wake up freezing covered in a rash. All right, I’ll go. My wife always brings up, “Camping’s a tradition in my family.” Hey, it was a tradition
in everyone’s family ’til we came up with a house. (audience laughing) My parents never took me camping. You know why? ‘Cause they loved me. It’ll get you closer to nature. I wanna keep the
relationship professional. If it’s so great outside, why are all the bugs
trying to get in my house? Some places, you have to pay to camp. You have to pay to sleep outside. That’s gotta be insulting
to the homeless people. How much this cost you? I live out here! That must be really expensive. Occasionally, at the campsite,
you’ll see the Winnebago. That’s kinda cheating, isn’t it? Oh, that’s what I forgot, my house. (audience laughing) There’s always that one
couple at every campsite that’s been camping for way too long. They have the folding chairs, the Christmas lights in July. We’d love to have you for dinner. I’m sure you would. Now, how do I get a padlock on my tent so we’re not eaten by Ma and Pa Dahmer? (audience laughing) Happy camper. Has anyone ever really
been a happy camper? ‘Cause whenever we use that term, we’re being sarcastic. He is not a happy camper. Why don’t we just call him a camper? He’s miserable. You know who’s a happy camper? The guy leaving the campsite. He’s the happiest camper. He gets to take a shower. He ruined camping for me. To be fair, it is
beautiful during the day, but at night, you’re always like, we’re all gonna die! There’s monsters out there! I see their eyes. I probably wouldn’t be so scared if I wasn’t sleeping in a bag. Hey, let’s prepackage ourselves
for the serial killer, huh? I can’t get away, can you? I can hop for a little, but I’m dead meat. You ever have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night? You always look at your friends. Nice knowing ya. Anyone wanna come and get killed with me, or you wanna get killed looking for me? We’re all dead. It’s not just serial killers. There’s bears out there. Last time I went, I got this pamphlet that said if a bear approaches, you’re supposed to play dead. Really, we’re gonna rely
on my acting skills? Play dead, who came up with that? Maybe the bears? Play dead, cover yourself in honey, climb on a large, white plate. Don’t try to run away from us. I mean, the bears. How does that even work? There’s a bear. (Jim groans) Hope the bear thinks we died standing up. As if bears have some ethical code. I don’t mess with dead bodies. I’m a bear, not a animal. That was the worst
impression of a bear ever. Play dead. I’m not saying that
strategy didn’t work once, but when they find a body that’s been mulled by a bear, how do they know that
guy wasn’t playing dead? Maybe he was the best at it. And the bear was like, great performance, but I’m starving. And he looks like a burrito. Why are we even camping
where there’s wild animals? That wouldn’t be a selling
point for anything else. Oh, it’s a beautiful golf course. Plus, around the ninth hole, there’s a pack of wolves. If they start running at
ya, just play through.

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