PJ: All right, here we go. Lil’ bit further. Here we go. Brad: We’ve been walking for a *really* long time. Where are we? PJ: Few more steps, just a few more, I swear. Aaaaaand, stay there! PJ: Ta-daaaaaaa! Brad: You said, “We’re going to Summer World Theme Park”! PJ: That was a lie. Brad: Alright, well, I’m going home. PJ: No, you’re not! PJ: Here we are, me and my uh – my second favorite son Braj– Brad. We are here, out in the great outdoors, and we’re gonna be having a great night together. Aren’t we? You’re excited?! Brad: No! PJ: Alright, well don’t… Brad: The Great Outdoors. PJ: The wilderness – who knows what we’ll see! Brad: Wilderness?
PJ: Yeh. Brad: This is a garden. PJ: Dunno what you’re basing this off… Brad: Whose house is that?! Brad: Based on that! Whose house is that? PJ: Uh, yeah, well, I don’t… *exactly* know, so just keep your voice down, yeah? PJ: I can sense that the fire is coming! Brad: No, it’s not.
PJ: Yes, it is! Brad: That’s *never* going to work. PJ: This is gonna be “lit”, as I’ve…heard you say once or twice. Brad: Never once. PJ: Bet your stepdad Bob has never started a fire like this before! Brad: He’s probably *put out* fires… PJ: He’s has- I have just remembered, he is a fireman.
Brad: He is a fireman. PJ: Well… Who do you think keeps him in business? Brad: Wait, what- did you start that fire? When he was trapped? In that orphanage? PJ: Come on!!
Brad: You’re not even touching the wood with the wood. PJ: Pah!! PJ: Wow! We started the fire together, collectively. So…
Brad: No. Brad: I did it all myself. Brad: I lit it, I collected the wood, while you were doing… Brad: *questionable* things…in the tent.
PJ: It was pilates! Okay? PJ: Well, I would have to say that I am getting rather hungry. *laughs* Brad: Yeah?
Brad: Me too. Brad: Did you bring food? You didn’t bring food, did you? PJ: I…I was under the assumption maybe you would. Brad: Why would I bring food? PJ: Initiative…? Brad: You lied and said we were going to Summer World Theme Park… PJ: Yeah, well, I have been known to take a…a pork chop to Summer World, uh, from time to time… Brad: No one else…in the history of theme parks has brought their own pork chop! Brad: So what are we going to eat?
PJ: Your old man will, uh, fix this! PJ: *grunts* Brad: Oh my god!
PJ: So… found this in a shed, thought maybe I could go out, rustle up some food for us. Brad: What, are you gonna rustle up a Yeti?
PJ: Uh, don’t be ridiculous, there are no Yetis in Brighton. Brad: Cold enough.
PJ: All right, well, I’m gonna be the father figure- and I’m gonna go get us some food! Brad: Good luck with your sledgehammer… PJ: I am gonna feed my son!
Brad: Mm. PJ: I’m gonna feed him.
Brad: Yeah, feed me to what? PJ: I’ll be back!
Brad: Bye. PJ: I’ll be back soon!
Brad: Yeah? PJ: Here we go!
Brad: Bye! PJ: YES! PJ: *spits* PJ: Poison… Brad: Yeah, he *said* Summer World… No, he’s brought me to…’Camping with PJ and Son.’ Mum, listen. Can you just pick me up? Brad: No, I don’t know where I am. PJ: Come out, wherever you are! PJ: There, there, THERE!! Hrra! PJ: Okay. Thought that might’ve been a squirrel. Brad: Yeah. Yeah, actually, anchovies…pepperoni… Brad: Well…somewhere in Brighton…uh, there’s a road nearby… PJ: Impenetrable… AAAAAAHHHHH!! PJ: Dinner hath arrived! Brad: Yes, it has. PJ: Where did you get pizza from, son? Brad: Fabios! Brad: Think It’s just down the road, like, that way- PJ: Yeah, well Fabios, they- wank in the food, so… Brad: Well… you wanked in the tent. PJ: Alright, well, that was pilates. Brad: What in good god, is that? PJ: This is dinner! I foraged it myself! Delicious father-son feast. I’ve got a selection of, kind of, greenery here… Brad: That’s just leaves… PJ: Not entirely sure what this, uh, but it did put up a fight. Brad: That would be a dead house cat! PJ: Not entirely sure what you’re basing that off,
there’s no proof- Brad: The fact that it’s a *cat* with its *head* caved in by a sledgehammer. A cat, which probably belongs to the people who live in that house. PJ: You know, it was self defence, so… PJ: Maybe I could have a bit of the piece of-
Brad: No! Brad: You’re not…seriously going to eat that, right? PJ: Food is food. In the wild, you can’t be too fussy. Brad: Ugh, no. [loud coughing] (Hurt – Johnny Cash)
♪ I hurt myself… ♪ ♪ …today, ♪ ♪ to see if I still feel ♪ ♪ I focus on the pain… ♪ *PJ screamo-ing, accompanied by strumming* *aggressive strumming* PJ: Nope! No. This isn’t working.
Brad: What are you…trying to do? PJ: Bird-watching, it’s a popular camping activity!
Brad: Bird-watching, with your child’s binoculars? PJ: Okay, these were *very* expensive…
Brad: At night time? PJ: …and so, poor Arnold didn’t respect his father who had arranged a *really* cool go-karting trip for them… …and so he was burned to cinders and never seen again! Brad: Wait, Arnold? As in, my brother who… …went missing… Mum always said, just ’cause you lost at go-karting… You took it out on Arnold! You know I’m just kidding, okay, obviously. PJ: [relieved, awkward laughter] PJ: He’s just kidding- we’re kidding! We’re kidding! We’re having a… …great time! I didn’t kill him… PJ: Fuck! F- Ooh, I’ve fallen on something.. PJ: Let’s, uh, get cozy, come get cozy with your old Pep Pep!
Brad: Fine. PJ: Here we go.
Brad: Can you just… Brad: I don’t wanna… have to… actually touch you, in any way. Brad: It is so cold! Why are we camping in November? PJ: I just wanted to share my favourite month of the year with my favourite son of the year. You know, November’s a great month… this is the month you were conceived, so – [muffled growling] Oh God! Aah! PJ: It’s a, it’s a real bear, Brad, look! Brad: Who says “real bear” when they’re being attacked by a *real* bear? PJ: It wants us dead, it wants our blood! Brad: It doesn’t want us dead, it wants to cuddle us, at best. *bear growling*
PJ: Shoo! Shoo! PJ: I’ve got a bear trap!
Brad: That is…a mouse trap. PJ: For Brad-j!! *a final growl* PJ: It is dead. Brad: Okay, we’re done here. PJ: The bear is dea- what??
Brad: I’m just gonna walk home, we’re in Brighton. PJ: No, please, there might be more bears, for all we know! Brad: No. There’s no bears in Brighton, zero. Including the man in a bear suit. PJ: Okay, well, let’s just stay in the tent, no, don’t go out-
Brad: I’m going. PJ: Brad, no, don’t, don’t, don’t, no, Brad, don’t – Shhhit! PJ: No don’t! Don’t- Okay… Brad: Man in a bear suit. Man in a bear suit: Oi lads! What’s going on? Brad: Yeah, what’s going on?
PJ: What’s going on with you? Brad: What’s going on? Man in a bear suit: I don’t know, he just paid me 500 quid to show up in a bear suit! PJ: Lenny! I said *grizzly* bear suit! Grizzly! Ferocious! Lenny: It’s ferocious! Rawr! Scary, right? Brad: Yeah, as I thought. All right, I’m going back to bed. PJ: Where did you get this from? Lenny: From Fabios, down the street!
PJ: Fabio- oh my god, it’s a pizza place! PJ: They wank in the costumes…
Lenny: I’m gettin’ paid, aren’t I? PJ: Absolutely not!! I was *this close* to gaining my son’s respect, *this close*!! Lenny: I’ve got kids!
PJ: Burn in hell. Lenny: I need money for the bus! PJ: WALK!! Lenny: It’s fucking cold, man… PJ: You got any more of that pizza down there, son? It’s just, the cat isn’t sitting right with me. I think…I am gonna be sick. Look, all right, you’re angry at me. You’re pissed, I get it, alright? This whole trip has been a failure, it’s just a complete disaster, I can’t even… set up a simple bear attack scenario. I’m a failure of a dad, alright? Just forget it. Forget the trip. [distant growling] PJ: D- PJ: Brad, did you hear that?
Brad: What, your horrible, growling belly? PJ: No, no, no, seriously. That, that wasn’t me. There’s something out there, I think there’s actually a real bear this time, Brad.
Brad: No there’s not. PJ: Brad, seriously, get up, I’m not kidding. I did not set this up. Brad: There’s no bears in Brighton! PJ: I’m, I’m seriously freaking ou- [terrified screaming] Brad: It’s real! This time, it’s real!
PJ: Yeah *obviously*, when have I ever lied to you?? Brad: You’ve lied to me like 12 times, just today. PJ: Okay, well, that’s… [panicked screaming] Brad: Oh my god! PJ: I’m gonna be sick! AUGGHHH OHH! You’re gonna die! You’re gonna die, Braaad! Brad: I think… PJ: AAAHHHH!! PJ: We should piss on each other, that, yes, let’s do that. Brad: No. No. No. No.
PJ: That will deter the bear… [terrified, panicked screaming] Brad: What are we gonna do?
PJ: I know what needs to be done. PJ: Brad, I’m gonna go out there. I’m gonna fight that bear, and I’m gonna kill it. PJ: I’m probably gonna die, but I jus-
Brad: Okay. PJ: Uhh… PJ: Just like that, huh?
Brad: Good luck. PJ: All right, well, just give your mother my mixtape of divorce songs to mourn my death… Brad: No. PJ: I, uhh… love you, son!
Brad: Bye. PJ: Love youu! Here we go… Bear, Here I come! I’M COMING! *war cry* PJ: Come here, bear! Yeah, that’s right. That’s my son in there! That’s my boy! *PJ grunts* Oh god! Get off me! No, don’t bite me, oh my god, get off me! *various grunts, growls, and struggling sounds* Die! Die die die! [screaming and growling] *heavy breathing* PJ: Bear’s dead. Brad: Oh no… I mean, good! PJ: Yeah, I, uh, I stabbed it multiple times. It’s, uh, not gonna be bothering us anymore. PJ: Yeah, I’m gonna burn the body of the bear, I think?
Brad: No! PJ: You’re not gonna burn the-
Brad: No, you don’t wanna burn a… bear’s body, Brad: That’s bad luck. Don’t burn it.
PJ: Get me a fire. Brad: You’re covered in blood. Is it your blood or the bear’s blood? PJ: Ah, bit of both.
Brad: Great. Good for you. You should go and clean yourself, I’m gonna check the bear. PJ: Okay, I’m gonna go wash off in the pond.
Brad: Yeah. Okay. PJ. Yeah. Do you want this? Shall I-?
Brad: No! Please. PJ: I should-?
Brad: I don’t want to get my fingerprints on that, actually. PJ: Okay.
Brad: All right. Brad: I’m fucked. Brad: You can wake up. He’s gone. Lenny: Ohhh… Lenny: Oh mate! Lenny: Oh, I thought you said he was weak!
Brad: Uh yeah, I didn’t expect him to have that knife…? Lenny: Yeah, he stabbed me *multiple times*!
Brad: The suit’s holding you together. You’re… Brad: You’ll be fine. You’ll be fine.
Lenny: It was kinda just- everywhere. Brad: It’s a lot of times… Lenny: I’m bleeding a lot, mate.
Okay… Brad: Here’s your money, yeah? Brad: All right, he’s gonna be-
Lenny: Cheers, mate. Brad: -really happy. Brad: I think he’s coming back.
Lenny: Cheers, mate. Ohhh… Brad: Just stay there. Just play dead for a bit and, uh… don’t actually die. PJ: Son! PJ: Hey, hey!
Brad: Ah, hey…! PJ: How’s my favourite son, and my-favourite dead bear? Brad: Really good. You’ve killed a bear, you’ve killed a bear, you’ve actually killed a- bear… PJ: Saved us. I saved our lives. Brad: Yeah, you saved our lives. And our lives are *not* ruined after this, at all… PJ: A bear was threatening us an old Pep Pep came and saved the day… Thanks for coming, son! This has really made my, my, my year, if anything. PJ: We should mount the head on, like, a wall or something. Brad: No, we shouldn’t mount its head on anything we should just-
PJ: To…commemorate. Brad: -leave him. PJ: Where’s my knife? Oh, I left it in the pond
Brad: Oh god… PJ: Well, that was “Camping with PJ and Son,” I’ve had a great old night, it’s been, it’s been a great time, We’ve both had a great time. I- House Owner: What are you doing!? What are you doing in my garden!?
*PJ yelling* PJ: Okay, all right!
House owner: Put your hands up! Brad: No no no, leave the sign, leave the sign, let’s just go.
House owner: Get back here! What’s that dead thing?
PJ: Oh no!