– So, we should explain why
you’re dressed this way. – Yeah, I hate to shop,
uh, so… – [laughs] – I just wear whatever outfit the character I’m playing
at the time–so, I was on “Parenthood”
for six years and Crosby had
a great wardrobe… – Right.
– But that show’s been over for a year,
so this is what we get. – Yep.
– This is what I wear now. – So–okay, so this is
really exciting. – Thank you.
– I can’t wait to see the movie. So, you have written,
you’re directing, and you’re starring in “Chips.”
– Yeah. – He’s remaking–he’s making
the movie “Chips.” [cheers and applause] Who else is in it?
– Oh, Michael Peña. – Uh-huh.
– Who wanted me to tell you that there’s no softer underwear
on the planet than the ones you gave him.
– The Ellen underwear– – I swear to God.
This was–like, he came into my trailer like,
“Oh, you’re doing Ellen. “Tell her how
soft the underwear are, “and how do I get more.”
– Yeah, well. – So, message delivered.
– He can buy ’em at the Ellen Shop.
That’s how–yeah. – Oh, okay–great.
– And you got some. – I’ll explain that to him
– I’m sure we gave you some… – Oh, couldn’t be softer.
– Since you’re h– – But again, I hate to shop.
So, yes… – I’ll get–
– I’m in the Ellen underwear. I’m in whatever costume
they give me. – So, it–well, it looks
very good on you. – And I feel like
a village person. – You do?
– Yeah. Which is always something
I wanted to experience. – Yeah, no.
You look very good in it. Is that–
– You think so? – I do.
– It’s very tailored. – They’re kind of, like,
stretch fabric pants, so they’re comfortable.
– You wanna try ’em on? – I do, yeah.
– Okay, great. – Yeah.
– I’ll leave them behind. – I like the, uh–
– And I’ll pop into those. – Okay.
– A little switcheroo. – No–and does Kristen
like this, uh, this outfit? – I think Kristen stopped
seeing me as a sexual being a few years ago,
but, um… sometimes she’ll
see someone looking at me and go, “That’s a weird look
on their–oh, yes. “He looks attractive.”
– [laughs] – No, I’m teasing.
– That’s–of course, you are. No, she thinks I look studly.
– Yeah. So, she’s in the movie as well,
right? – She is in the movie, and, um, she’s
an obvious choice. She’s a great actor
and she’s also very affordable, since I’m directing it, um… [laughter] But I was nervous ’cause she has
to play very unlikable and I started telling her, like, “I’m not positive
I wanna hire you “’cause you’re just so
intrinsically likable…” – Yes.
– And then she got offended that I thought she was
a bad actress… so then I had to tell her
she was very unlikable… – Uh-huh.
– And that was a disaster. So, no matter really what… you know…it just
didn’t work out well, so she’s in the movie,
basically. I just said,
“Okay, you’re hired, “and let’s
stop talking about this”… – Right.
– “I’ll see you on set.” – It is gonna be hard
for her to be unlikable ’cause she is adorable
and very likable. – She’s so likable.
– Yeah. – Even when she’s terrible, you really still like her.
– Yeah. – You know?
It’s one of her– – Yeah.
– It’s one of her gifts. – That’s–and so,
the kids are how old now? – Uh, 2 1/2 and 1. In fact, there’s a birthday
coming in five days. – Yes, and,
um, you know, it’s the holiday season
coming up and, um… it’s weird for me
because my mother was just painfully honest with us. No matter what the–she
just told us the truth, and, look, I’m on “Ellen,”
so it worked… – [laughs]
– And so, I’ve been just being very 100% honest with,
uh, Lincoln, in fact, the other day,
we were playing and I said, “Okay, I gotta go.” Um, she said, “Why?” And I said, “Well, I gotta go
to my AA meeting,” and she goes, “Why?” And I go,
“‘Cause I’m an alcoholic,” and she said,
“I’ma be alcoholic too. “I’m coming.”
– [laughs] – ‘Cause she just
wanted to come. – Yeah.
– Yeah, and I said, “You probably will be
in 15 years.” both: Yeah.
– [laughs] – Let’s enjoy this time
before you have to go. – That’s adorable.
– But now it’s Christmas and I have to explain
Santa Claus. It’s a very weird thing
to explain if you’ve been telling,
you know, just… the truth truth.
– What do you tell them? – I said, “There’s gonna be
a guy stopping by “on Christmas Eve “in a red jumpsuit
with combat boots, uh…” [laughter] “Huge Grizzly Adams beard. “He goes by Christopher Kringle
or Saint Nick–he’s got a lotta aliases,” I said.
– Uh-huh. – And, uh, “He’s gonna be–he’s
gonna show up “riding a team
of endangered animals”… – Uh-huh.
– Uh, “He’s gonna park ’em “on the roof.
Then he’s gonna repel in… “he’s gonna root around the area
for a while,” uh, “eat some cookies
and whatnot. “Don’t worry, he’s not diabetic. “He looks like it,
but he’s ju–it’s okay.” – [laughs]
– That’s gon– “And then, if you come out, “you may find him getting handsy “with Mom under mistletoe.” – [laughs] – So, she’s very excited.
– Uh-huh, yeah. – Yeah, yeah, yeah.
– Yeah. – And she said, “Is he married?” And I said,
“You know, he’s married, “but he travels a lot.” [laughter] “So, I don’t know what his
real arrangement is. “He hangs out
with a lot of children, “but I guess they’re,
like–they’re his employees which is also…” So, she’s–she’s excited.
– Yeah. – She thinks it’s–she can’t
wait to meet this… – That’s, uh…
– Felon. That was taken at the Met Ball which is a very fancy
big party in New York that Kristen had tried
to get me to go to for years and I didn’t want to
’cause, as you can see, I have to wear a tuxedo, and I’d way rather wear
a cop outfit everywhere, um… – Yeah.
[laughs] – But, this year, she said, “I think you’re gonna wanna come
because we’re seated at Jay Z’s table.”
– Mm. – And I love Jay Z. I think he’s, like, one of the true pure geniuses
among us, right? – I agree. I agree.
– So, I said, “I will be there for sure,”
and I went, and I was seated
directly next to Jay Z, and, um, I gave him my A game. Like, any–
[laughter] I talked his ear off.
I knew all of his lyrics. I was sparkly.
I was engaging. Eye contact.
Present. Could care less.
– [laughs] – Guarantee,
if he saw me right now, he’d have no clue he ever
sat next to me at dinner. Was not impressed.
– Aw. – There were other people
at the table that would have loved
to be friends with me. – But you didn’t care–
– He was, like, the hot girl in high school, and he played it perfectly.
– Yeah. [laughter] – I’m still in love with him. He didn’t give me
any any any approval. Good work, Jay Z.
– Yeah. – I’ll go to 1000 more
Met Balls… – Just to get him.
– Just to–yeah, I’ll get him. – Yeah, you’ll get–
– I’ll get him. – You’ll get him someday.
– Yeah, I’m– – And–and Brad Pitt.
– I might pop out somewhere. – You’re still after him. – I still love Brad Pitt
like crazy. – Yeah…yeah.
– Yeah, yeah. If I could go,
like, camping with two dudes… – They’re–they’re them? [laughter] – Like, if Jay Z could wrap while I stared at Brad Pitt…
– [laughs] – It would be like…
– [laughs] and if he were, like,
just, you know, free flowing about me
looking at Brad Pitt. – I think you just gave him
his next song. – [laughs]
Yeah. – I think–that’s fantastic.
– It’s called, “Stay Away From Dax Shepard.”
– Oh, God. – Speaking of Brad Pitt…
– What? – Everyone’s getting presents.
– Yeah. – Bring him out.
– He’s not here– – Bring him out
in an elf outfit. – He’s–he’s not here. – Come on, Brad, get out here!
– He’s not– Believe me–
[laughs] – Put me in a Santa outfit. Put him in a elf costume. Let’s get him right here…
– There’s– and let’s find out
what he wants for Christmas. [laughter]