Ellen’s Holidays

Ellen’s Holidays

– It’s good to be back. This is our first show of 2015. And how are the resolutions
going? Everybody still on your– [laughter]
Good. I don’t see any doughnuts
in anybody’s hands, so that’s– that’s a good sign. You had a nice holiday
and all that stuff? Good. I’m happy for you. [laughter] I–do you want to hear
about mine? audience: Yeah!
– Okay. Okay.
I thought maybe you would. I would love to be able to say
I had a great Christmas and it was peaceful and restful
and jolly and all that stuff, but I would be lying. It was not. It involved high winds
and high fevers and packing peanuts. audience: Aw. – I dare you
to change the channel now. [laughter] All right, here’s what happened.
I’ll tell you all about it. Portia and I decided we were
gonna spend the holidays at home ’cause we didn’t want to get– airplanes, to me,
that’s how you get sick, so I’m like,
“I’m not gonna get on a plane.” So we stayed at home,
and, of course, I got sick. And so we drove up
to our house up north– not too far north. It’s somewhere between,
like, Glendale and Santa. And–
[laughter] You’ll never find me now. So Christmas Eve,
it started to get windy where we were up north, and–
not too bad. It was like–you know,
you just saw the trees blowing. [imitates wind whistling] You could hear it like that. And–so it was nice. It was like, “Oh, that’s nice.
It’s windy.” And then the winds kicked up
to– and I’m not just saying this
as a number. It was 70-mile-an-hour winds. It sounded like a tornado. It was like…
[imitates wind gusting] Now I’ve hurt my throat.
[laughter] It was, like, really loud
and windy and– anyway, we go to sleep just thinking
everything’s gonna be okay. Well, during the night
at some point, a big, large,
large branch came down and took out a power line,
and the whole neighborhood– Christmas Day,
we wake up, whole neighborhood
out of power. Merry Christmas, everybody. And so–well, technically,
the tree was on our property, so it was our fault,
you could say, but Oprah lives
in the neighborhood, so I’m blaming her. [laughter] It was Oprah’s tree. And so on Christmas Day,
we get up and tried to make coffee. No coffee because, you know,
no power. I don’t want to brag. We have the electric
coffeemaker. And so–anyway, so–
and I’m sick. Did I mention that?
I’m sick. I’m very sick. And so it’s freezing
in our house because the heat doesn’t work
’cause there’s no electricity, so I’m wearing a wool cap
and a huge, huge jacket. I look like
a Gorton’s fisherman. You know, the–
[laughter] So there’s no electricity,
and so there’s no TV, so Portia says,
“Let’s get the computer out. Let’s watch someone
on Netflix.” No internet. And so we’re living like animals
at this point. [laughter] Portia’s licking my face to
keep me from passing out, and– no, but she did–
you know, she said, “Let’s open gifts
and we’ll feel better. We’ll open gifts.” And so nice, right? No. Wrong. [laughter] I open the gift
that she gives me, and it’s a beautiful
piece of pottery that I wanted, that I had seen, and when I open up the– they pack it
in Styrofoam-m– Styrofoam p-peanuts,
packing peanuts. I can’t say the word without– I hate Styrofoam. [laughter]
And– it’s not a joke. The word–
I’m not gonna say it again. “Packing peanuts”
is what I’ll call it. And–’cause I don’t say “hate”– I don’t–I don’t like
to hate anything, but I… [voice quavering]
hate Styrofoam. And–
[laughter] And cotton balls.
I hate cotton balls. [laughter] Those two things I hate. So anyway, so the packing
peanuts were everywhere, and I was trying to get
the pottery out from the…
packing peanuts, and so that’s when
the electricity– not the electricity,
but static electricity. So my entire body is covered
with packing peanuts. [laughter]
Covered. And I would try to get them
into the garbage bag and do that, and then
it would be on the next hand, and then it was just–
literally, it became– I was covered in this thing
that I can’t say the name of. And I’m sure I looked crazy,
but I couldn’t see ’cause my eyes were covered
with packing peanuts. So the electricity finally
comes back on at 4:30, and I think,
“All I want is a hot shower.” I’m still sick,
I’m very sick, and I just want a hot shower. Sounds nice, right? Well, you see
where this is going. No hot water.
[laughter] Totally unrelated to
the power outage, no hot water. So to recap:
It’s Christmas. I’m dressed like
a Gorton’s fisherman, covered in packing peanuts,
tears frozen in my eyes. They wouldn’t–
just stuck to the sides. And I’m sick, I’m dirty,
I’m undercaffeinated. The only good news is,
Portia was not sick. She got sick on New Year’s Eve. [laughter] So that’s a whole nother story. And I feel bad about the whole
power going out and everything, but the point
of the whole story is, Oprah ruined Christmas. [laughter] That’s my point. I’m glad–
I’m feeling better. Everybody’s feeling good. I hope that you’re all healthy
and happy. And let’s all start
this brand-new year with a dance.

87 thoughts on “Ellen’s Holidays

  1. Hey Ellen … Happy New Year 🙂   Welcome to  2015 and on a selfish note may I get to see the FULL episodes on YouTube soon 🙂   MAN did I miss your videos!!!! 

    Happy to hear and see you again 😀    Hugs from India 🙂

  2. On christmas i had my period and horrible cramps thats i couldnt walk. I was about to pass out and i threw up. 

  3. I live in Australia so its summertime during Christmas, for people who live elsewhere, is when it starts to snow that you get excited? I find it so hard to understand how people get excited about snow…

  4. Wow, sounds like our New Years Eve situation… I had to take care of my mom and sister and the house was literally 50 degrees colder downstairs… now it's the 6th, they r both better and I'm sick lol

  5. Ellen if you hate packing peanuts my grandfather invented a machine that get ride of them he was also on Regis and Kelly's show.

  6. I did this choking-chuckle thing when she tried saying "styrofoam" and now my throat hurts. Thanks alot Oprah! lol

  7. Rough life Ellen.  We had no Christmas thanks to the cat in the tree and no money for gifts.  I was in hospital between Christmas and New Years.  And it's COLD in Indiana.  Really COLD.

  8. I love you Ellen why are you so afraid of that though?  It is okay just wish you were not because they had to be awful that night.

  9. Christmas day, everyone went out while I stayed in bed all day eating white chocolate (my only present) and surfing the internet. Seems like it wasn't so bad after all, compared to you guys.

  10. That's so weird she can't say styrofoam/cotton balls. Lal. Maybe it's like imagining having those things in your mouth. I despise the feel of cotton balls too.

  11. Donuts? As I'm enjoying dark chocolate, Lol. And the styrofoam part, very funny. Great video Ellen and Happy new year!

  12. Ellen why are you gayyy you're shaming the white race!!! i love you tho your show is nice but please give you life to jesus and divorce portia! she's not even attractive anyway :/

  13. I have watched a lot of her monologues and I can't remember one where she shared something that she didn't like, this was a very personal monologue, not like Portia and I did this, or that, or what they DID, but more along like how she felt about something, I think the last time she shared how she felt about something was the puppy situation when she cried…
    Well done with this one!!

  14. I thought Ellen didn't drink coffee, judging by the joke she made about men and coffee some time ago ;d guess it was just a joke ;d

  15. 2:34 I don't mean to be rude but I tried to hear like a thousand times but I kept hearing her says "anal", not "animal" ??

  16. I know the words make her very uncomfortable but it's just hilarious to watch her try to say them ? Who knew Ellen's weaknesses were the words cotton ball and styrofoam

  17. My mum is exactly the same with polystyrene balls they pack stuff in, it makes her mouth go all funny just like ellens did?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *