(giggling) – How you doing everyone? Greg and I here. – How you doing, hello, nice to meet you. – Reporting from Geneva. As you can see, we’re outside
the main train station. Among the taxis. (Greg laughing) The plan of action is this morning, what is the plan of action? (gentle music) How’s it going everyone? You are watching How Not To Travel Europe with me, Tom Davies, and Welsh Greg. Unofficial step brother, best pal, and long-time partner in crime when it comes to mischievous adventures. Over the next five installments you’ll follow the story of
our spontaneous escapade, starting at the wealthy
Alpine haven of Geneva, and hopefully ending in the
Medieval capital of Bratislava. With no tent, hardly any planning and a strict policy of no paying for public transport or accommodation, it promised to be interesting at best. Throw in a few unconventional
modes of transport, six bizarre challenges and
nine days to do it all in, it promised to be a cracking adventure. But to understand why, you’ve got to go back 14 years to a time when me and Greg would set off into the mysterious
Staffordshire countryside, aiming for far away radio masts with nothing but a fiver in our pockets and a lust for adventure. We’d hardly sprouted pubes
and we were hoping fences, running from farmers,
battling through forests and wading through rivers. These missions are the very foundations of the mission across
Wales, and for this trip, in which we aim to rekindle the magic of those early missions. The fun, the mischief,
the hairy situations, the interactions with
our fellow human beings. Bye, thank you. And most of all, the stories. Originally, we were supposed
to have 10 days for this trip which was already pushing it, but just 30 minutes before takeoff. What a start to a trip this is! Flight canceled. – [Woman] You go into a
hotel tonight in Birmingham. – [Tom] Cheers EasyJet. It wasn’t the end of the world, but it did mean that making good ground each day was now more of a priority, at least for the time being. On the plus side, I did witness this on the way back from Birmingham. ♪ Gave me something I’ve been waiting ♪ ♪ I need more girls in there ♪ ♪ I need more girls in there ♪ ♪ Too many mind, too many mind ♪ ♪ I need more girls in there ♪ – But it only served to hasten my desire to leave the country. The next day though,
I was back on the road to Heathrow, annoyingly, but before long, I was in Switzerland and ready
to join forces with Greg. I can smell the adventure already. (Tom laughing) Now we had a rough idea of where we wanted to get to on our first day, but the uncertainty lay with how we were gonna get there. Our plan was to jump on the next train to the wealthy lakeside city of Lausanne, which in itself had its dangers, and then we would try our luck hitching a ride on a
speed boat to Montreux. I know what you’re thinking, who the fuck would do that for us? We weren’t sure, but we were hoping that with a bit of luck, charm, and persistence, we
could somehow wangle it. The mad thing is, I’d actually managed to arrange a ride on a luxury boat from Lausanne to Montreux through one of my subscribers, Michel, but that was for the day before. Thanks again EasyJet. But do you know what, maybe
it was better this way. And if not, we’d have to try our luck hitchhiking on the road. Either way, we had to make
it beyond Martigny today, and in an ideal world, the Town of Sion. Right now though, we were kind of cacking ourselves about this train. That very same morning, a spanner was inserted gently into our works by our lovely Genevan hosts, who warned that the
Swiss ticket inspectors were pretty damn hot, meaning there was a good chance of getting fined, or at the very least booted off. We would need to think outside the box if we were to avoid such a
calamitous start to the trip. We discovered that the next but one train to Lausanne actually
went straight through without stopping, which gave us, what we thought at the
time, to be an idea. I think what we’re anticipating
is a fat controller sort of bald ticket man come over to us, ask us for our ticket to Lausanne, and we go “No, we’re going to Nyon”, and he’ll explain this
train doesn’t stop at Nyon. – And we’ll say, you know, “When can we get the next ticket “back to Nyon from Lausanne?” We’ll play very sad. – And hopefully he’ll just
kick us off at Lausanne. No fine. That’s what we’re hoping. But depends what kind of character he is, I guess, so we’ll see. We ambled our way over to the worryingly lavish looking train, like the clueless tourists we were. – There are two guys
there, middle carriage, and they’re coming off the train. Mate. – This will do. For a while we thought it would be fun to try and avoid the inspectors by actively seeking them out, and then using the double decker layout of the train to bypass them, but they’d thought of their
own solution for that, having two people. There’s a woman now coming this way. – [Greg] Is she? Okay, let’s go up. – [Tom] So in the end, we admitted defeat, took our seats and prepared ourselves for the inevitable. Maybe if we waffled
loudly about our fictional day out in Nyon, we could
add to our innocent facade. – Because he’s gonna drive us up, didn’t he, from France. – [Tom] He is, we’re really
putting him out to be honest. Then came the moment of truth. At this bit, I think we’re there in about five minutes, yeah. – Yeah, I heard it was 20 minutes, but more than five minutes, all right. At least 20 minutes would be too long, in a sense, because you’d never actually end up getting there. (pinging) – [Tom] I can’t wait to
see the seafront of Nyon. I’m really looking forward to that. – See the seafront? It’s not on the sea. (both laughing) – It’s not even on the sea. He’s asking people for
tickets in there, mate. He’s actually checking people’s
tickets in there, look. This is it, I think. What do you reckon, Greg? – I think this is it. Lausanne. – You had one job to do
and you failed miserably. (Greg laughing) Right, let’s get a ride
on a speedboat then. Bonjour. – Bonjour. – [Tom] Pumped from our train ride, we decided to clamber our way down from the station externally. (Greg groaning) The view from the road confirming that it was completely pointless. (Greg laughing) But we were in the mood for a mission, and straight away a gap in
the buildings got us thinking. We knew the marina was directly south from the train station, and we were keen to get there quick to maximize
our chances of a lift. Now a lot of these roads
weren’t going south, they were going east to west, and we didn’t have a map, so. (upbeat music) Straight line missioning in Geneva. – All the way down. – Oh yeah. Oh God. – [Greg] Mate, someone’s in that room. – Let’s do it, fuck it. (upbeat music) (Tom groaning) (Tom grunting) [Greg] what is this mate, someones back garden? I think so, yeah. (upbeat music) We’ll be there in no time at this rate! – [Greg] We are walking
into a dead end though. – [Tom] Is it a dead end? – [Greg] Well. – [Tom] We’ll see about that. – See about that, won’t we? (Greg laughing) I was right. – [Tom] Fucking told ya. (Greg laughing) (Tom singing) – Out here. – [Tom] Our nostalgic shortcuts must have worked wonders. Not only had we reached the lake in record time, but
somehow we’d popped out exactly at the marina, where straight away it was time to prepare ourselves. Here we are. To put on our most persuasive charm. – Chances of us getting a sailboat? It’s probably low because
they’re such an effort to like. – [Tom] Yeah. – You need to wind to be right. – [Tom] Yeah, yeah. – We need a nippy little craft. – [Tom] Is there anyone
out there who’s willing and able to take us to Montreux? Excuse me? (swan honking) The marina was big but quiet, and mostly inaccessible, so we spoke to the first bloke we saw. – You might be willing
to take us in your boat? – Teaching. – So it’s like a private thing? Okay. – [Tom] But this booming voiced skipper could only offer us pricey
boat driving lessons. – Okay, thanks. Merci.
– Cheers. The only other active boat we saw was another returning driving instructor. – [Greg] There’s another. Bonjour. – [Tom] Is it? – [Greg] Yeah. – [Tom] Our only remaining option, other than to wait around, was to speak to the guys in the boat club slash shop. Maybe there was some cool
wake boarder guy there who had some free time, or
maybe knew someone who did. Or maybe there was just a normal bloke with poor English and no idea what we were trying to achieve. – Private lesson. – Right, yes, that’s okay. – [Tom] But he did give us this. Okay, he’s given us this. Have no idea how fruitful
that will be but. – Isn’t legible in the slightest but. – [Tom] Is that a G or a nine? G or nine, the number didn’t work, and things were looking pretty desperate in this buzzless boat yard. But then a ray of hope. Is it? Yeah mate, it’s just about open. One of the private jettys
had been left open. – [Greg] Don’t shut it. – No I won’t, otherwise
we’re swimming out. Okay, we’re not supposed to be in here. – Luckily it was left open
by some clumsy old rich fool. – [Tom] Just got to hope
that there’s someone about. Okay we’re gonna ask this guy I think. – Shall I? – [Tom] Shall we come back down? – [Greg] He doesn’t look like he knows what YouTube is, mate. – [Tom] No. – Neither does his boat look
fast enough for our purposes. (Tom laughing) – [Tom] But the jetty was a dead end. Our hopes rested on one
portly, middle aged man. Okay the only guy on this
whole jetty is this guy here, and we don’t think he speaks good English, but let’s have a look. (speaking in a foreign language) – It’s no problem if not, but if you have a free hour or however long it takes? – Oh okay, but I don’t, perhaps someone is going to Montreux
there, but here I go now. – [Greg] No that’s okay. – No. – Is there another port? – You can take the boat. There is a big boat. – [Tom] The rules for the
show is we’re not allowed to use public transport and stuff. – Okay. – Yeah, so it’s all like yeah. – [Tom] It’s all improvised. – It’s improvised transport. (laughing) Is there another port over there? Another harbor I mean. – Yes, every village has its port. It’s two to three kilometers. – Merci. – Merci.
– We’ll go and check, thanks for your time.
– Okay, thanks. (speaking in a foreign language) – Bye. Bloody nice guy, wasn’t he? – Nice guy, wasn’t he? – Bloody nice guy. – Left the gate open, the old twit. (Tom laughing) So, what’s the update, Thomas? – Well we’re moving in
the right direction. (Greg laughing) Nothing else. I guess we’re heading to the next harbor, try our luck there but these harbors don’t really seem too fruitful. – [Greg] Plus it’s, what is it? Wednesday? – Yeah no one’s really knocking about. – [Greg] So it’s dead. – We could always hitchhike, so. You know, we’re moving
in the right direction. But the truth was, we really wanted to get a ride on a boat. No one in. Despite the lack of success thus far, our spirits were high. I mean the weather was incredible, and we couldn’t have
been in a nicer place. – That is beautiful boys, that is! – All we needed to make this day unforgettable was to be whizzed towards the misty horizon of
this endless flat lake by some rich, Swiss hunk called Marco. That was incredibly refreshing. Then whilst jokingly hailing
over a passing speedboat. Oi! Oi! The incredible slim odds of that actually happening suddenly
increased slightly. – [Greg] A ray of hope. – [Tom] Whoever this guy was, he’d actually heeded our half arsed call. (speaking in a foreign language) – It’s a strange request that we have. – You want a ride? – [Greg] Yeah so, basically we’re trying to get across Europe in as many different modes of transport as possible. We wondered if you could take us a little way down the lake? – Right now because it’s
like for wake board. – [Greg] Okay. We can’t tempt you? – For me, it’s okay but
for the company, I cannot. – That’s what I was going to say, maybe if you were in your free time you could do it but
you have to work there. – Yeah. – No, that’s fair enough mate. – Thanks anyway man.
– Totally understand. – Sorry.
– Thanks a lot for your time. – Merci.
– Merci. – Bye bye. – [Tom] In reality, he was
just trying to make a living. – He was the ideal candidate though, if he had free time and it was his boat. – He was ideal. Just too occupied, sadly. On we go, down the coast. Further on, whilst
exploring some of the more hidden private harbors,
something even more improbable happened. Greg and I were just fantasizing about how cool it would be to own a house here on the lake, when this guy walks past. – Hello Tom! It’s Michel, Michel. – It was the very guy who had arranged the speedboat for me the previous day, just walking his dog with his girlfriend. Bizarre. Take it easy.
– Good luck. – Thank you, yeah. But time was kind of
slipping away from us now, and our hopes hinged on
this last cluster of masts. This might be our last– – [Greg] This is the last hope. – [Tom] Last hope down here. – [Greg] Forlorn hope. Nah, it’s not forlorn, there’s a chance. – We’re gonna get it, we’re gonna do it. It was the marina that
the bear chested man of Lausanne had spoken of, and there were plenty of boats, including
this speedy looking vessel. That would be perfect. But again, the place was absolutely dead, and eerily silent too, until this gaggle of noisy students marched their way past, presumably on their lunch break. And that gave us another shit idea. So it’s a bit wacky, it’s a bit out there, but we’ve got our eyes on this boat, we’re not gonna steal it,
but all the wake boards, the water skis inside there. We just think that the kind of guys who own that boat, who we think are having their lunch in this restaurant, we’re hoping that they’re
the kind of people who’d be like “Yeah, jump in man. “We’ll take you to Montreux.” Might be totally off the mark there, but we’re gonna wait it out
for a few minutes just in case. We gave the phantom boat owners 15 minutes to polish off their
lobsters, or else we’d have no choice but to put this
improvised sign to use. It’s a nice pen. (Greg laughing) – Is it working? – It’s very smooth, yeah. – Okay. (laughing) – Right, we’ve given up on this. The boat’s still firmly there. Everything’s still on display. But presumably they’re
still having their din dins. But we got our sign, we’re going to try our luck hitchhiking. Ah, there’s the main road up there. – Yeah. – [Tom] It’s right there. What are the odds of seeing that shambles of a club out here? (Greg laughing) Good God. I don’t think this is too bad. – No, it’s a petrol station. – Ah, okay. If we go just before it,
they can pull in, yeah. Yeah. We chanced upon a nice shady spot by the petrol station. It was now a question of how generous are the wealthy citizens of lake Genova. Oh look at this thing, oh no. – Ah! – Highly unlikely he would. (engines whirring) (Greg laughing) – [Tom] In the back, mind. – Zero chance of that. Oh he’s pulling over mate. – [Tom] Yeah. – Think so. – [Tom] Pretty damn
generous, it turns out. That’s sweet. (speaking in a foreign language) – Yeah, that’s fine,
that’s somewhere, thanks. Just to Vevey. – [Tom] Vevey was roughly two thirds of the way to Montreux, which
after a five minute wait was good enough for us. But who was the generous gentleman who’d be taking us there? (speaking in a foreign language) We think his name was Jerome, and thanks to his luscious blonde locks, we were now right on schedule. That is wonderful. (speaking in a foreign language) (Jerome laughing) Jerald was a man of few words, but then why do you need to speak when you’ve got views like this? Wow. – [Jerome] Only road for go to Montreux. – Yeah this is perfect. – [Tom] Ah perfect. (speaking in a foreign language) Nice to meet you. (pinging) Jerry had actually dropped us off right by Vevey marina,
where the temptation to search for a boat returned. But the temptation to
do this was stronger. (splashing) – [Greg] Did you get a boat mate? – No but I got that. (Greg laughing) – [Tom] Much to the dissatisfaction of this old timer. But it mattered not,
because before my trunks even had chance to dry, they were set to be dampening the seat
of our next chauffeur. (speaking in a foreign language) Natalie, a zesty, free spirited, independent young woman
with just enough room in her car to take us boys to Montreux. She was actually returning
from a dance festival where she’d danced the
Can Can in this frilly, multi colored dress. But there was so much
more in Natalie’s locker than dancing the Can Can,
and just minutes later she was picking apart the very laws that govern our existence. – I don’t take drugs but anyway. I’m trying to make– – [Tom] The spiritual world. – Yeah, exactly. – The spiritual world. – The mysticism that we say mystic. – Yeah. – And the physic and the
science that is behind that. I’m trying to make the
link between both worlds. – Wow. – [Tom] Maybe it’s beyond science. Then as we entered the historic streets of Montreux, she
pulled this out the bag. – Okay guys, if we can, I’m going to try to offer you a ride, okay? – [Tom] A ride on what? (Tom sighing) (Greg and Natalie laughing) – That’s a nice start,
right, starting today. – [Greg] Yeah. – A very good start to the trip. – [Greg] Very. – Very good start to the trip. (whirring) – [Tom] Turns out, that as well as being a free thinker, Natalie was an accountant and one of her clients
just so happened to be water sports Montreux. Bonjour. Where we met our bronze hunk Geordie. Hey, Tom. – Geordie. – Nice to meet you.
– Nice to meet you. – So you reached your destination? – We did.
– We did. – [Tom] Thanks to Natalia here. – Yeah. – Ah great.
– Yeah. The deal was that in
return for a simple mention on YouTube, we would get to
go wake surfing for free. After spending all day asking people for a ride on their boat, we’d somehow ended up on one without even trying. Better still, we were
about to do water sports, and in this setting too. It was just surreal. In fact, I think I got a bit too excited. (upbeat music) ♪ Stealing my fire ♪ (pinging) – Thankfully for everyone else on board, it was time to wake surf, with Geordie keen to show us how it was done. As the boat accelerates, the shape of the stern kicks up a big wave, and once you’re up and steady, you can let go of the
rope and ride that wave for as long as the lake will let you, which in the case of Lake
Geneva is basically forever. (engine whirring) (man groaning) Almost. Now it was our turn. Always wear a life jacket people. Go on! Now Greg had done a bit of wake boarding before,
so out of the two of us, he had the best chances of
not embarrassing himself. Oh! But after his first two attempts. Go on Greg! Ah. Those chances were getting slimmer. But then. Yeah! He’s done it! Greg was up and running. He’d nailed the standing up bit, could he let go of the rope and surf? (Natalie cheering) Ah man! Could I do any better though? Well, here’s my first attempt. – Exactly. – Nice.
– Start upping, up way, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You’re done, you’re done. – [Greg] Nice! – Woo! – [Greg] Nice! – Okay, arms stay. (Greg laughing) – [Tom] Which also happened to be my best. From then on, I did the opposite of Greg and got worse with every attempt. Best left to the pros I think. – [Greg] She’s sick. – Good. – [Tom] As quickly as it had come about, our spontaneous water
sports experience was over. We thanked our instructors dearly. Geordie. Quickly used up all the ink in their pen for our next sign, as if they hadn’t helped us enough already,
and bid them farewell. – Bye bye. – [Tom] Bye, thank you. (speaking in a foreign language) – That was fucking sick mate. (both laughing) – Right, obviously we’ve
just had a wonderful time. Yeah we’ll get to that mate. (both laughing) – Hold your horses. – But it’s half four now. That is the time. It’s half four. – Pushing it. – Pushing it. – Pushing it.
– Quite finely. So we’ve got to find
another hitchhiking spot. – Over there. – Over there apparently, yeah, according to Mr Davies Jones here. We’re not related in
that sense but, anyway. Fuck you.
– We are really. (both laughing) – Anyway, anyway, shut up. Anyway the point is, we’ve
got some moving to do. We’ve got some fucking ground to make. Then two minutes later. (Greg laughing) (driver yelling) (speaking in a foreign language) – Shall we get on? (speaking in a foreign language) [Lady on bicycle] Martigny… – Well, that didn’t take us long. Any train we get on, we warned
ya, we ain’t paying for. – Be it a small child’s tourist train around Lake Geneva, or a full functioning national rail service from London Euston to Basingstoke.
– To Glasgow Central. (both laughing) – We actually made some really
useful ground on this train. (speaking in a foreign language) We were let on as a sort of joke really, but by God, we took full advantage, hopping out right by
the real train station just in case we needed a plan B, and in the perfect spot to
actually hitch hike to Martigny. Right, we’re hoping now
we can hitch hike again to Martigny and beyond. We need to get past that today. This is the thing, it’s getting on. That big highway up there, that’s where we’re gonna
make the real miles. But this time the traffic
vibe was different. A constant flow of big
wigs in expensive cars racing home after work. – [Greg] Isn’t it just
the case in life, mate, that the people who pick
you up drive the worst cars, because they’re just sound. – [Tom] They’re sound, yeah. – [Greg] Range Rovers and sports cars, you don’t stand a chance mate. – They don’t wanna get their
big cars dirty, do they? With two stinky Petes like us. (Greg laughing) And then our odds of getting picked up took a further blow. Right, slight turn in event. It’s starting to rain so. No one wants to pick up–
Two stinky Petes was one thing.
Two stinky dweebs. Two wet stinky Petes was another. So we prepared for the worst. Greg’s just checked the train times, just in case we have no luck with this, we can hop on another train. But five minutes later. Yeah man. A man in a sparkling black Beamer came to our rescue. (speaking in a foreign language) – Where?
– Where? (speaking in a foreign language) – [Greg] That’s fine. Merci. – [Tom] Merci. The trend bucking man in question was JL, originally of Kosovo. We’re leaving the lake now. He couldn’t take us to Martigny, but he did one better, he took us to a crucial junction beyond Villeneuve where we could finally
get onto the motorway and potentially much further. Despite speaking no English, he took a keen liking to my Mission
Across Wales series, watching the entire two
minute intro whilst driving. Yeah that’s not dangerous at all. He even gave us a really
useful parting gift. (speaking in a foreign language) You’re a great guy man. (speaking in a foreign language) – [Greg] He just gave us an umbrella, what a sound bloke. (laughing) – [Tom] The umbrella matched
Greg’s top perfectly, and we joked that that was the sole reason he’d given it to us. You just had to have it. You just had to. – I love fashion, I love it! (both laughing) – [Tom] It was only when I looked back at the footage that I discovered that he actually did. The man had a deep burning
passion for fashion. (siren wailing) (Greg laughing) Well, we’ve edged our way a
bit further down the valley, or up the valley, rather. I’d say we’re about five,
six miles from Martigny? – Five, six miles, yeah. – We’ve had fun and we’re making ground, and these women are laughing at us. What are you laughing at? – [Greg] That’s what counts. – [Tom] Oh, is this guy pulling over? (speaking in a foreign language) – Where? (speaking in a foreign language) – [Tom] We weren’t going there, but the frequency of
bangers was promising. There’s a banger.
(Greg laughing) – Come on.
– Fucking hell, Doris. Plus Greg and I were now
radiating spirit and warmth. Brightening these local
Swiss people’s days with our daftness. You’re going that way, aren’t ya? Even the gendarme couldn’t resist it. And then, no we didn’t get arrested for crimes against fashion. Oh yes! – I have to take this out. (Tom laughing) I’m Paulo. Tom. – Tom, and that’s Greg. – [Greg] I’m Greg. – Greg?
– Yes. – Nice to meet you. – [Greg] Nice to meet you, man. – Paulo, originally from Portugal, was a generous, modest, funny and downright cool
bloke with an easy going attitude and a lust for life. The kind of guy whose presence instantly makes you feel at ease, like you’ve known each other for years. We’ve met some cool people today. You’re the coolest though. (Paulo laughing) We exchanged stories, and we told him about how our first day had gone so far. – [Greg] Wake boarding, like a speed boat, and she said “Do you want to
come on the boat with me?” For free. – We went wake surfing. – [Greg] We went wake surfing. – Have you heard of it? – I’m not the coolest one. (everyone laughing) – [Greg] No you still
are though, just about. (Tom laughing) – [Tom] Paulo then told us
that a good friend of his lived in a massive
student house in Sierre, just beyond Sion, with a
bunch of hippy students. Depending on whether he was at home, we could probably crash there the night, which, with the weather
forecast we’d seen all day, was quite an alluring thought, even if hippies can be a bit mental. – [Greg] That would be
cool, as an option, sure. – I can see what he says, yeah. – [Greg] Yeah. – [Tom] In the end though,
he was out of town. Our sleeping spot was once again in the lap of the gods. Maybe it was better that way. – You’ve been a great
addition to our adventure. – Thank you too. – You’ve been really helpful. – Yeah. – Thanks man. – Have fun and good luck. – Thanks, we’ll try, yeah. – Sorry about the cage. – [Greg] Yeah. (laughing) – No, he’s an animal, he deserves it. (everyone laughing) – Good luck.
– Thank you so much Paulo. – See ya.
– All the best. – Good luck.
– Cheers mate. – [Tom] Fucking hell, and he gassed it. Adios! – Adios.
– Adios. – [Tom] Oh boy. Our all too brief encounter
with Paulo was over. – Paulo, great dude. – I’ve got a tear in
my eye, I really have. But yet again, the
generosity of our fellow human beings had left us
in the highest of spirits. We love you, Paulo! (Greg and Tom laughing) Which was useful, because we still had one last section of road to cover. That’ll do. We’d done well to scrape
ourselves this far this late on, but our sights were firmly set on our original target of Sion. Nothing would cap this day off more than getting another swift lift. That way we could scout out a good place to sleep in the last light of the day before hitting the town
for some well earned food and celebratory beverages. We joked about another
Paulo-esque character coming to our rescue. We weren’t far off. – I speak a small bit of French. (speaking in a foreign language) – Oh you can speak English. – [Greg] Okay. – I need to practice. – [Greg] Nice, Greg. My name’s Greg. – I’m Philip. – [Greg] Philip, nice to meet you. – [Tom] Philip, I’m Tom. – Yes, hello. – Nice to meet you. – For me it’s the same shit. – [Greg] Oh yeah, yeah. (laughing) – You know, I am from Portugal, you know? If you call me for enjoy, you know? Sex, you know. – [Tom] Drug dealer or seasoned raver, we couldn’t quite tell
him his wayward ramblings. All we knew is that he
was also from Portugal, but that he didn’t know Paulo. That he made the football
kits for FC Sion, and that he love for swearing in the English language was greater than his love for life itself. But as erratic and excitable as he was, Philip was about to surge his way up our little leaderboard of lifts. Oh, is that it up there? – That’s the mother
fucking thing, you see. I see it. – [Tom] Not only had Philip taken us beyond Sion to his current home town of Sierre, but he was now taking us by foot to a chateau,
a castle, up on a hill. Exactly the kind of place
that we’d been hoping to stumble across ourselves. Hopefully its historical
nooks and crannies could provide us with the
perfect shelter for the night. There might even be a
clumsily unlocked door, or a room we could sneak into. Or it could be totally inaccessible, and guarded by security. We didn’t really know at this point, but we were itching to
get up there and find out. This is fucking sick. We climbed our way up
through the grapevines, the view of the town expanding with each step we took. The steps themselves becoming increasingly impressive and princely. And it was here on these princely steps that we shared a lovely
moment with Philip. This reminds me of Lara
Croft, Tomb Raider. – Oh yes! Yes, the two, Tomb Raider 2. – [Tom] Number two, yeah, yeah. – Number two, the house dimension, with the guy, you know the guy who runs. (Tom groaning) And then you lock him in the fridge. – [Tom] Yeah, yeah, yeah. – And the guy, he have the
ends out of the fridge, and the fridge explodes on them. It’s fucking brilliant, God I like them. – I’m done. Some things are just universal. Philip quickly pointed out to us where all the best bars were in town, before leaving us to explore
the grounds of the chateau. Thanks for everything, man. – All the best man. – [Tom] It has been a
pleasure to meet you. – Peace, I will see your channel. – [Greg] Yes, yes. – I will subscribe, yes. – You subscribe.
– Subscribe, man, yeah. – I’ll subscribe, yeah. – [Tom] Take it easy, man. – I will go watch your insane thing. (Greg and Tom laughing) Have fun, huh? – [Greg] Thanks man. – Thanks a lot mate, all the best. Can I just say, we’ve just met the two nicest guys that ever graced the land of Portugal. What are the odds of that? – [Greg] One after another. – The main chateau building
looked pretty inhabited, and the only hidden doors and passage ways we could find were securely locked. Mate, we could sleep down here. – [Greg] Fuck that, mate. (laughing) – [Tom] So we started
looking a bit further into the castle grounds,
where we found this. Oh yeah. Look at that, mate. Could definitely sleep in there, mate. – [Greg] That’s sick. – Oh there’s a fire there. Well that’s just ridiculous. And there’s a water tap as well for us to drink water. (Greg laughing) And as many grapes as
you could possibly eat. Right. Heading down for beers and pizza now, but we’ll be back up at
about 11 pm, pissed as farts. – Just look at that view. – Oh it’s just ridiculous.
– For a start. However–
– Sleeping here. – [Greg] That storm approaches from the– – Doesn’t look great, and
when you look up here, at those sirens, I think
they’re avalanche sirens, that look very conductive to lightening. (Greg laughing) That does worry you. But what a place to sleep. In town, we soaked up some atmos. Fucking pumping. Engulfed a massive pizza. I was supposed to fill. – Cheers mate. – [Tom] Cheers mate. And sunk lots of beers. Predictably though, it would prove to be one too many. We’re heading up to the spot. Our sleeping spot. Now the journey back up to the castle is a tad hazy, but from these audio clips it’s pretty clear that
instead of making our way to the tower, we ended up in some places that we probably weren’t meant to be. Private dwellings in what seemed to be deep in the castle’s grounds. Mate, where the fuck are we now? – [Greg] Definitely someone living there. – Oh shit, yeah. Yeah, let’s go. Mate, it’s a mission. Mission up here. Then we stumbled across this. Look at this place. Look at what we found. Drunk, disorientated and in need of sleep, we made a controversial decision. Welcome to our humble abode. This is where we’ve
decided to sleep the night. We haven’t got a clue where that tower is. Maybe we’ll go back there in the morning and make a fire, but this
is absolutely fine to sleep. It’s sheltered from the rain. We’ve got a door for added security. It’s our own little room, and quite frankly, we’ve had a few pints and we don’t give a shit. (Greg laughing) So today should be interesting. Ticket man’s on our case. (laughing) (gentle upbeat music) Fucking lunatic! (Tom groaning) (gentle upbeat music)