How to Ruin a Family Vacation


– I try and schedule tours
around school breaks, you know like at Christmas
one year I did a bunch of shows in Florida, my
wife and kids came down. My wife’s family also came down, ’cause they didn’t want
us to have a good time. (audience laughing) I’m kidding, I love my wife’s family. Did that sound believable? (audience laughing) I do love them, they’re my in-laws. That’s a strange term, in-laws. (in a deep voice) Are you related? Uh, legally. (audience laughing) In a court of law. And it’s like the
opposite of being in love. We’re in law! We law each other. Very much. In-laws are like family you’re assigned. (in a deep voice) It’s
like you want to spend your life with that person,
you gotta take those 10 people. (audience laughing) All of them? My only issue with my in-laws
is there’s too many of them. My wife is one of nine children, so every holiday all nine of the siblings and their individual family’s all get together and spend
every moment together. Over Christmas I went to
a movie with 30 people. I didn’t even know that was legal. We were walking around people
thought we were from a church. (audience laughing) To put it in perspective, Jesus
only walked around with 12. (audience laughing) I learned very quickly I
don’t want to do anything with 30 people. If I was on the Titanic
and the last rescue boat was filled with 30 people I’d
be like, “You guys go ahead. I don’t wanna be there when you’re trying to decide where to eat lunch.” (audience laughing) Often it was more than 30 people. ‘Cause sometimes those 30
people will invite other people. So you’ll have conversations
and someone will be like, “I’m your wife’s uncle’s best friend.” And I’m like oh there’s a
term for that, stranger. (audience laughing) You’re a total stranger. (audience laughing and clapping) I do love my wife’s parents. Their names are Louise and Dominick, so I call them Louise and Dom. My wife’s siblings, some of
them have gotten married. And they’re spouses,
some of their spouses, call Louise and Dom, mom and dad. ‘Cause they’re weirdos. Now I understand sometimes
you marry into a family and you become so close to the parents that you want to call them mom and dad, but don’t. It’s weird and confusing
for the rest of us. Wait, that’s his mom? He married his sister? What state is he from? (audience laughing fades)

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