I went camping recently for this next joke and… I married a woman who loves to camp, and I am what you would call “indoorsy.” I’m surprised we can still get people to camp.”Hey wanna burn a couple vacation days sleeping
on the ground outside?” ” Uh no!” “What if I told you you get to crap standing up in the woods?” “I still wouldn’t wanna go.” “You’ll wake up freezing covered in a rash” ” Alright, I’ll go.” My wife always brings up “camping’s a tradition in my family.” Hey, it was a tradition in everyone’s family till we came up with the house. My parents never took me camping.
You know why? ‘Cause they loved me! ” It’ll get you closer to nature.” I wanna keep the relationship professional. If it’s so great outside, why are all the bugs trying to get
in my house? Some places you have to pay to camp. You have to pay to sleep outside. That’s gotta be insulting to the homeless people. “How much did this cost you?” “I live out here!” “That must be really expensive!” Occasionally at the campsite you’ll see the Winnebago.
That’s kinda cheating, isn’t it? “Oh that’s what I forgot, my house!” And there’s always that one couple at every campsite that’s been camping for way too long. They have the folding chairs, the Christmas lights in July. “We’d love to have you for dinner.” “I’m sure you would! Now how do I get a padlock on my tent so we’re not eaten my ma and pa Dahmer?” Happy camper! Has anyone ever really been a happy camper? ‘Cause whenever we use that term, we’re being sarcastic. “He is not a happy camper!” Why don’t we just call him a camper? He’s miserable. You know who’s a happy camper? The guy leaving the campsite! He’s the happiest camper. He gets to take a shower. “He ruined camping for me.” To be fair, it is beautiful during the day. But at night you’re always like “We’re all gonna die! There’s monsters
out there! I see their eyes!” I probably wouldn’t be so scared if I wasn’t sleeping in a bag! “Hey let’s prepackage ourselves for the serial killer, huh?” “I can’t get away, can you? I can hop for a little but I’m dead meat!” You ever had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night? You always look at your friends. “Nice knowing you!” “Anyone wanna come and get killed with me or you wanna get killed looking for me?” “We’re all dead.” It’s not just serial killers; there’s bears out there. Last time I went, I got this pamphlet that says if a bear approaches you you’re supposed to play dead. Really? We’re gonna rely on my acting skills? Play dead? Who came up with that!? Maybe the bears!? Play dead; cover yourself in honey; climb on a large, white plate! Don’t try to run away from us, I mean the bears! How does that even work? “There’s a bear!” “Um, uhh uhh.” “Hope the bear thinks we die standing up!” As if bears had some had some ethical code. “I don’t mess with dead bodies. I’m a bear, not an animal!” “That was the worst impression of a bear ever!” Play dead. I’m not saying that strategy didn’t work once, but when they find a body that’s been mauled by a bear, how do they know that guy wasn’t playing dead? Maybe he was the best at it! And the bear was like “great performance, but I’m starving!” “And he looks like a burrito.” Why are we even camping where there’s wild animals? That wouldn’t be a selling point for anything else. “Aw that’s a beautiful golf course. Plus around the 9th hole there a pack of wolves! They start running at you, you just play through.”