Oh, hello. I’m captain Dick Simmons. You may know me from the global video sensation Red vs Blue, and as a famous online celebrity you can definitely trust my opinion. That’s an excellent point Lopez.
Regular holidays are boring and lame. What we need are newer, more exciting holidays. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas?
Blegh! How passé. Did you know your grandparents celebrated those holidays? And they’re old! I know, right! You wouldn’t wear the same clothes as your grandparents, so why celebrate the same holidays? Why yes, I do consider myself a young and hip trendsetter. Thank you for saying that Lopez. And I know some new edgier holidays we can celebrate instead, Join, me won’t you? On ‘Thanksgimme’, we give people the opportunity to thank us for all the good things we do for them, which they have selfishly forgot to be grateful for. Hey Carolina I made sure not to check out your butt, when you dropped your rifle this morning. Excuse me…!? Whoa, whoa, I said I *didn’t* check out your butt- Saying it a second time does not make it better. Aren’t you gonna thank me?
– *Thank you*…?? What kind of-
– Hello, female of indeterminate allegiance. And blue….
I had you both in my sights, was about to shoot you in the back but then… I didn’t. Thank you, Sarge.
– What? Happy ‘Thanksgimme’
…dirt bag. The hell?
– Looks like someone just doesn’t understand the meaning of Thanksgimme. Ow! You know I was thinking about neutering you, but I settled on a flesh wound instead. Now, what do you say? Thank you.
– Damn straight! I agree, that was heartwarming. Next up, we have Saint Peppy’s day. Ahh, there’s snakes everywhere,
all over the fucking base. What? Saint Peppy was a distant relative of Saint Patrick. Except he actually brought snakes back into Ireland and as everybody knows snakes are super cool. Happy St. Peppy’s Day!
– Caboose… Did you do that? Hush me. I’m Irish. Fun and high jinks indeed.
Now, let me tell you about Cinco de Macho When you can show everyone you’re the most macho in all the land. Go on hit me. Right in the solar plexus.
Or any other plexus you dare. – I don’t wanna hit you Sarge
I said let me have it! Or are you not man enough?
– Okay, I’m starting to want to hit you. Don’t you have any testosterone? I’m surprised you managed to grow any facial hair at all! Facial hair…!? What has gotten into all of… Aarggh! As we proved once again and once and for all, finally and for all time, Sarge is mas macho! Like there was ever any doubt! Ow, right in the plexus! I Know what you’re thinking Lopez:
Are there any more new and improved holidays? The answer is:
Yeah, duhh! As a matter of fact you can purchase a selection of high quality products to celebrate these clearly superior holidays. Including greeting cards T-shirts snakes pregnancy tests. Just use promo code ‘Red Base’ for- There you are! You mind explaining what’s going on around here? Wha..? I don’t know what you’re talking about. I have no recollection of what you’re about to say. Recollect harder. Alright, okay, I admit it. I sold out to the military-industrial greeting-card complex. Just don’t shoot me. Aren’t they a subsidiary of Disney Exxon Apple? Yeah, they promised to pay me for promoting their stupid new holiday so they could sell more merchandise. My god son, how much does a man’s soul worth!? One hundred… dollars. Ugh… that is just sad. Hold up, you promised me a hundred bucks to help you with this holiday BS. You promised me 100 smackers too. I gotta get the snakes. So you’re actually in the hole on this deal. I never said I was a master negotiator. – Simmons… don’t you know holidays aren’t about buying stuff? They’re about spending time with family and friends and about honoring the achievements of great people. Unless you hate your family
– Well, yes, in that case you stay far away. And that Columbus, ’cause he was a dick.
– No, right, screw that guy. He was the worst! Carolina, your rousing speech has made my organ grow three sizes bigger. And by organ, I mean heart. Let’s throw our own holiday party
to celebrate all of us coming together. …over our shared hatred of Simmons
– And I’ll bring good snakes. Can I come…? At least I can count on you Lopez-
…hey, where are you going? Holidays suck.