“Hercules” is an hour-long, training montage, a twenty minute fight scene, and a two-minute murder mystery; and none of them are good. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson stars as Hercules, the super strong, demigod we all know and- Just kidding! This Hercules is actually a mercenary, who doesn’t believe in mythical things like centaurs or gods and only leans into the “Son of Zeus” story cause it gets them more jobs. In spite of this blatant lie reveal premise, he’s still a super strong, noble paragon, and all around good dude who just wants to live a nice, quiet life. He’s accompanied by a rag-tag crew of misfit heroes that share nothing in common with their mythical counterparts, asides name and gender. Featuring his childhood friend, Autolycus, a knife-happy snarker who learns the real treasure was the friends they made along the way and also all the gold. The seer, Amphiaraus, who’s really stoked to die and then doesn’t. His nephew, Iolaus, is immediately no-homo on introduction and spends the entire movie telling the classic Hercules myths and getting made fun of for it. Tydeus, a traumatised, non-verbal berserker and probably the best character (mostly likely because he doesn’t talk.) And Atalanta, who spends half her dialogue insulting men and calling their dicks small. No woman I know thinks about dicks that much. Directed by Brett Ratner, what a surprise~ Our heroes are chilling in a tavern, post successful mission, when they are approached by a beautiful but cagey princess who asks them to help her father John Hurt fight this bad dude Rhesus. Herc and friends agree to one last job and train his rag-tag army of farmers and peasants into an elite fighting force for an hour of the movie’s run time. Then beat Rhesus easily, and immediately learn that John Hurt was actually evil all along, and it’s time to fight him instead. Complicating matters, this movie decided that myths are dumb and fake; so, every mythical monster Hercules ever fought was either an exaggerated regular animal or a dude in a Scooby-Doo mask. So, there are no supernatural elements in the *Greek* hero movie. The movie also has the audacity to suggest that Hercules maybe isn’t even a demigod, but we watch him flip an entire horse with one hand so I’m not buying it. In the mythology, Hera drove Hercules crazy and he kills his wife and kids; and the movie turns this into a bit of mystery because it never actually acknowledges the gods are real. So, if Hera’s not responsible, who is? This is all answered in the final half hour of the movie, when it turns out that John Hurt was in league with his cousin, Eurystheus, all along. And Eurystheus drugged Herc, murdered his family and told Hercules he did it when he woke up. Trusting dude. This movie is astonishingly boring. We watch a rag-tag bunch of misfits train a faceless army of minions to fight another faceless army of minions for two-thirds of the movie, until the third act twist reveals it was all pointless anyway. The murder mystery sub-plot was actually kind of interesting but almost gets no build up before we learn the truth. And it’s also…like, really obvious. Tropes aren’t bad but if your story’s already boring they’re not going to make it less boring. There’s one scene where Hercules wakes up in a bit of a daze, goes out to surveys the battlefield and sees the bodies of his family being eaten by Cerberus. He freaks out, grabs a spear and charges and the vision fades revealing itself as a hallucination. Hercules is very shaken and as he’s processing what happened. His non-verbal berserker buddy, quietly lays a hand on his shoulder in solidarity and understanding. A moment of beautiful visual storytelling and shared vulnerability between two very broken people. One visibly broken; the other only stoic under a facade. This scene is really, really good. Also Ian McShane is hilarious. That’s it. This movie is really boring. Overall, I give this move a three out of ten. Why would you Scooby-Doo Greek mythology???