Trump’s Vacation, Whale Cliques – Monologue

Trump’s Vacation, Whale Cliques – Monologue


-Let’s get to the news. President Trump said today
that he will not sign a short-term spending bill
if it doesn’t include $5 billion to fund his border wall. Hey, just tell him
it’s in there. [ Laughter ] I mean, it’s not like he’s
actually gonna read it. He’s only ever
really looked at something before signing it once. [ Laughter ] President Trump tweeted today, “The Democrats who know
steel slats wall are necessary for border security are putting
politics over country.” Okay, first it was gonna be
a 30-foot concrete wall. Now we’re down to steel slats. Before you know it,
he’s gonna tweet, “We must have
the rocks and tumbleweeds for border security.” [ Laughter ] Well, you guys tonight
is our last show. Of the year! Of the year! Wally, you got to be
faster with those cards. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Just sign an executive order
for all I know. [ Laughter ] President Trump
will travel tomorrow to his Mar-a-Lago resort
in Florida to begin his 16-day vacation, where he will spend
the holiday season in the company of loved one. [ Laughter ] “You had a great year.
You had a great year.” That’s right. Trump will travel to
his Mar-a-Lago resort tomorrow, or as it’s more commonly known,
the winter Kremlin. [ Laughter ] “The New York Times”
has published a profile on Duke freshman and NBA prospect
Zion Williamson, who has the school’s highest
measured vertical leap of 45 inches, while the lowest measured
vertical leap is still held by New Jersey governor Phil Murphy. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] That wasn’t really a joke
about basketball again. [ Laughter ] President Trump used the wrong
form of the word “there” this morning when tweeting about
his recent decision to pull U.S. troops
out of Syria, which means it’s definitely
possible he meant to pull our troops out of Serbia. [ Laughter ] Three NASA astronauts
returned to Earth today after more than six months aboard the
International Space Station. Said the astronauts,
“He’s still in office?” [ Laughter ] Pope Francis said this week that
Christmas is not about presents and is about listening to
the silent voice of God. Said his secret Santa, “What the
hell, man? I got you an iPad!” [ Laughter ] Researchers are comparing
short-finned pilot whales living off the coast of Hawaii
to high school cliques, after a study showed the whales purposely chose not to associate
with certain other whales. But don’t worry, whales. If you’re not part of
the cool clique, just work really hard,
get hired for “SNL,” work there a long time, then host your own
late-night show, then go back
to your high school reunion and see who’s laughing now,
Chad! [ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughter ] I went to
an all-whale high school.

100 thoughts on “Trump’s Vacation, Whale Cliques – Monologue

  1. Don't worry Donald those steel slats are coming very soon. You will just love your 4 walls all around you giving you the time out you so desperately deserve.

  2. The optics of Trump playing golf at his luxury resort , while his SS goes without pay will be a photo Op nightmare for Trump .

  3. So funny Seth, Trump is a pouty disgusting baby who I will never call President. Don't pay anyone in Congress or the Senate including Trump's daughter and son-in-law during pouty Trump shutting down the government what an ahole.

  4. Not much of a recommendation for your highschool if you can't pronounce "clique" properly, Seth. Not, of course, that any of the mouth-breathing subnormals reading YouTube comments know either, which renders this comment completely pointless.

  5. Why 5 billion dollars for a wall? Is concrete that expensive or is he trying to foot the bill to the American people for his failed business schemes?

  6. BAh humbug! Trump doesn't want anyone in America to celebrate until after the steel poles with spikes on top are installed. Merry Christmas to all unless you are brown and seeking a better life in the land of the free and the home of the brave. But if you are brown,
    then we will put you in a wire jail and hold you here, while we cage your children and try not to kill them. We want you to know that this is Jesus's birthday month where we have decided to not accept you and your family cuz it wouldn't be right to share the miracle of the Lord's birth with you for political reasons that we don't speech aloud, cuz that might not look right. Comeback and try when we get a better, kinder president.

  7. Maybe Airforce One should be grounded in Washington for the holidays. Let Mr Trump roam the halls of bloody trees for the holiday. Merry Christmas asshole.

  8. Just write in “and funding for a border wall around the US Mexico border” then spend 20$ at Michaels , buy a map, some pop sickle sticks and glue. Then hand him a fully crafted artisanal border wall made of slats of popsicle sticks and call it done!!

  9. Merry Christmas, Seth Meyers, and Marry Christmas to all of you! Tis the season to be jolly. So stop ragging on President Trump!

  10. And WE pay for him to be in his own bedroom! I'm not kidding. Trump charges the government for his room as well as the Secret Service's rooms, food, etc. I'd like to know how much his room costs? Does he charge us for him watching TV six hours a day as well as green fees? Is there anything he doesn't make us pay for? So his wife decorates the White House in Chinese red and Putin red then leaves and we pay for that too? I knew he was a traitor but she's seems like she's not far behind. Red trees? Really? It's like the Trump flaunt being traitors right in our faces and then make us pay for it. This is beyond sickening. 🙁 Songs

  11. ? Zoologist studies of Short-finned pilot whales do indeed remind me of privileged private school teenagers❗And these particular whales live off the coast of HAWAII, of all places. ? (S.F.)

  12. The returning ISS crew are German crew commander Alexander Gerst, U.S. astronaut Serena Aunon-Chancellor, and Russian cosmonaut Sergei Prokopyev. Only ONE NASA Astronaut! I think there are now 8 organisations that routinely fly astronauts/cosmonauts. And it is called the INTERNATIONAL Sp!ace Station, not the NASA or US Space Station. I get very pissed off when Americans get this wrong. Whichever of you researchers let you say that needs to be spoken to harshly!

  13. I do not think Meyers cared for the way the 'Syria/Serbia' joke played ? Hope no one fought too hard for that one…

  14. Can someone tell Seth's audio team about about Limiters, Maximisers & relative audio volume across Youtube. It's always so quiet compared to everything else 😀

  15. those steel slats…..you can buy a hydraulic jack with 12 TONS of pressure for 30 bucks…fence will be an OPEN V in 50 seconds…also not like you can't pass drugs though "SLATS" fucking trumptards…i mean that is only twice what it costs to buy a ladder for a wall…..so i GUESS it's an upgrade? 30 bucks vs 15 bucks….but still…fucking MORONIC….our president is an idiot 3 year old and his supporters are WORSE…..fucking morons. I'm living in IDIOCRACY……Brawando makes plants grow……FUCKING MORON RussiaPEDOkkkunts.

  16. No one ever claims Black children are "too Black" and have to be chased down with "Diversity."
    No one ever claims Asian children are "too Asian" and have to be chased down with "Diversity."
    But anti-Whites tell us that White children and ONLY White children are "too White" and must be chased down with "Diversity."
    Diversity means chasing down the last White child.
    Diversity is a codeword for White Genocide.
    Anti-racist is a codeword for anti-White.

  17. If Trump and the republicans were worried about border security they would quit cutting the agency DHS budget so they properly do their job.. every time they get their budget cut or no budget is passed, they have to operate with less.. so this wall is only a gimmick to get people excited.. Give the agency more money to do their job. Last time I checked no mexican was willing to sacrifice hisself and drive a car or plane into building.. so who are they protecting America from. If you want to stop illegals from coming into the country to get jobs.. punish the employers who hire them.. oh I forget.. Trump uses illegals..

  18. It’s a pity that Trump is destroying any chance of state-of-the-art border security by going after this retarded wall idea. What century does that guy live in, anyway? I mean, really, his kids go on safari and shoot endangered species trying to pretend to be some kind of inbred British Colonial atristocrats. In all of human history, a wall has never worked. Look to any wall ever built. Great Wall of China? Nope. Hadrian’s Wall? Yeah, no. There is no upside to this. We are in the 21st century. Pretend to live in the here and now, Trumps.

  19. No, the smallest vertical leap was made by Larry Bird decades ago when he made a jump shot that brought the entire Celtic’s bench to its feet. Said The Chief, “I bet you could three sheets of paper between him and the floor,” or something like that.

  20. Maybe we can start a charity for helping children with debilitating diseases too. After the wall of course. Wouldn't want to benefit any immigrant children in that /s

  21. Can anyone deny that flooding every White country in the world (and ONLY White countries) with tens of millions of non-Whites and forcing their assimilation into the White community is an act of genocide?
    Black countries will remain Black, and Asian countries will remain Asian.
    White countries are the ONLY countries to be affected by this.
    But, rather than genocide, the word that anti-Whites use to describe this program is "diversity."
    Diversity means chasing down White flight.
    Anti-racist is a codeword for anti-White.

  22. I think
    it is pretty obvious that anyone who chooses to run for the US
    presidency can be assumed to think quite a lot of themselves.

    Thus if being an egomaniac were his only character flaw he might conceivably have a chance of being a good President. Sadly that is not his only or even his most nation threatening of his pathologies.

    His overweening narcissism.
    His compulsive prevarication.
    His functional racism.
    His profound ignorance.
    His profound ignorance of his own ignorance.
    His unwillingness to read or learn anything.
    His
    disregard and disrespect for knowledge, facts, science, evidence,
    history, precedent, tradition, the Constitution, the rule of law, or
    anyone outside his family.
    He governs and behaves as if is a King or a dictator.
    His colossal ignorance of how economies work. In particular how the US economy.
    His blatant, arrogant, and very public criminality.
    His organization’s, campaign’s, agent’s, and family members’ now proven criminal collusion with a hostile foreign government.

  23. Too bad he can’t take back the billon + $ he ripped off Atlantic City. Then he would be 20% on the way toward his useless wall.

  24. Is that a steel barrier behind you covering those windows, Seth? I bet your studio doesn't get many break-ins, does it? I guess walls work don't they? Or maybe it's just a set-piece and you actually do believe in having no walls or borders to control tress-passers after-all. I'm sure your home is left unlocked when you're at work, too, right?

  25. The people who really control America are the people who control the Federal Reserve and Entertainment Industry, and they are all trying to take down President Trump! Wonder why? hehe

  26. SATAN THE DEVIL CORRUPTED LYING THIEVING CHARITY LEADER OF USA DOESN'T DO THE MATH FOR MEXICO WALL, BUT HE IS ASKING FOR FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS, WITH NO CALCULATION. SATAN WANT THE BORDER WALL MONEY TO ENLARGE HIS REHAB CENTER MAR-LAR-GO HOME. THE CHARITY MONEY IS IN MAR-LAR-GO.

  27. Mark his word… He will build a wall and make Mexico pay for the wall…. After he gets it from the US taxpayer, that is….

  28. DEMOCRATS GUILTY OF FUNDING BLITZKRIEG PROPAGANDA AGAINST TRUMP- So the Confessions are coming. First Jenny McCarthy Confessed that THE VIEW Directors ordered her to Act Republican and then Claas Relotius of Der Spiegel was just fired for admitting years of Fake News stories and some aimed at Trump, and now Reid Hoffman of Linkedin has confessed. Time for a "Special Prosecutor" to go after these Propagandists. Using "Blitzkrieg Propaganda" tactics like the Nazis did in World War 2 against the Allies was a crime of Treason. That's alot different than the Free Speech Rights these Reporters and Journalists are claiming. Arrests must be made! Seth is another Traitor !!!

  29. Seth needs to pick up his game. Those long silences between jokes in this segment? Someone needs to talk to him about comedic timing. His interviews, in contrast, are usually quite good.

  30. Toddler Trump's Tantrums making you Americans look stupid – why don't you throw him in a well or something…

  31. If 5 billion dollars were made available for his wall…time to check who the would-be contractors are and ask them who they have donated to the Trump lobbyists.

  32. Wouldn’t that joke make more sense if you said “the summer kremlin”? Compared to Moscow, the entire state of Florida is experiencing a perpetual summer.

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