Types of People on Vacation

– Where in the world is
Superwoman today? Mexico! What up, everyone? It’s
your girl, Superwoman. And I’m on vacation!
Well, kind of, sort of. Okay, well, sort of. I’m still working, but I’m
eating a lot of quesadillas and, like, drinking a lot of cosmos. Hola! Okay, I know it’s hola, but I just find it very
amusing when people from out of the country try to speak another language and
they’re so serious about it. (speaks in foreign language) It’s like when people come
up to me and they’re like “Oh my God, I love speaking Indian. “Oh my God, I really like that
movie, Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. “And then I had some samosas
and ate gulab jamuns.” If you’ve ever been on location you’ll know exactly
what I’m talking about. If you’ve never been to a resort yet, then let me tell you
exactly what goes down. Welcome to Types of People on Vacation. Number one, the invincible vacationer. Right now the weather here is horrible. It is windy, and rainy,
and cold, and not ideal. Like, straight up, the white
walkers are on their way. But, regardless of this fact,
when I walk around the resort I see mad people up in their bikinis lying down on these beach chairs. Like, brah. And you, my friend, are in
severe mother effing denial, ok? I know we all paid a
lot of money to be here and we expected it to be hot and nice, you know, like our old
Windows XP wallpaper, but we need to come to terms with the fact that that’s not the case. These are the people that didn’t think for a second it would be cold. So they didn’t pack a single sweater, and they didn’t pack a single
pair of full-length pants. And now they up on this resort, fronting. ♫ I was just frontin’♫ Because you’re lying if
you say you’re not cold. You got mad goosebumps. Look at your arms. Your arm looks like effin’ Braille, okay? If a blind person was here right now, they would touch your arm
and think it’s a novel. So just calm down wit’ your
Olaf-looking self. (laughs) It is– (spits) It is cloudy as hell right
now, but I walked around and I saw some people
putting on tanning lotion. Tanning– There is no sun! You have a better chance
of being tan from your iPhone screen while taking a
selfie than the sun right now. Because Mister Sun don’t
care about you, okay? Mister Sun has changed. Mister Sun is wearing less
and going out more, okay? Mister Sun just needs to be himself. Right now he’s someone else, okay. He used to call you on
your cell phone. (laughs) No, but, for real, I appreciate
your commitment though because it’s thunderstorming
and you’re by the beach being like “Naah, naaah,
okay? I used up all my vacation days for this,
okay, so I’mma just sit here.” And you’re shivering, sipping a martini. Well the good news is,
if we need to cut glass, we’ll just use your nipples. Stop being crazy. Go inside
and play some Yahtzee. Number two, the spring
breakers. Spring break forever! These people are always turned. There was one guy I met
on vacation last year and every single time I
saw him, he was drunk. And I saw him, like, seven
times. On a one week vacation. He was never sober. When I say drunk, I don’t
just mean, like, drunk. I mean he was scha-mangled. Like drunk. Like falling down, black-out drunk. On one day my friends and I
helped him get into a taxi. On the next day we helped
him walk to his room. On the third day we convinced him not to climb the side of a building. Where are your friends?
And how is your liver? Because, straight up, I want to send your liver an
edible arrangement, okay? Your liver deserves a mother
effing e-greeting. (chuckles) Is it just me, or am I,
like, extra funny today? Or is it just the cosmos? I don’t know. Either way, killin’ it! These people are usually
partying hard, shirtless, hat backwards and yelling
“spring break forever” and I’m like, “bro. It’s January. This is a family resort.
Sort your life out.” Number three, the beach bomb. This is the girl who looks sexy as hell for the entire vacation. And this girl is not me. My idea of a vacation is sleeping in, missing breakfast, eating
fries all day long, wearing my sweatpants, not shaving, being as lazy and ugly as possible on the beach all day long. But this girl? No. This girl’s got seven cute
outfits pre-planned on point. Her legs are shaved. Her areas are waxed. Her eyelashes are curled.
Her eyeliner is on fleek. And she clearly did a
lot of squats preparing for this vacation because her butt look like it ate my butt. Her butt looks like the picture my butt would post on Instagram,
with the hashtag “goals”. Her butt’s so nice that
she probably straight-up didn’t even have to buy
a bikini bottom, okay? The bikini bottom just probably bought a lottery ticket and won. She got that type of booty so nice that she probably don’t even fart. ’cause, let’s be real,
booties that are nice, you know those booties
don’t fart. (laughs) Like yesterday, while
clubbing, me and my firend decided, like, there’s
no way Beyoncé farts. (laughs) It’s just like… Can you imagine Beyoncé
farting? Beyoncé doesn’t fart. Beyoncé doesn’t poop.
That is just science. Me? The only time I do
squats is if I dropped a fry. Because, let’s be real,
I’mma still eat that fry. Hola! Five second rule! I respect this girl and I admire this girl because I could never be this girl. My nails are not did.
My legs are not shaved. In fact, the one day that I
do have to wear a dress here, I’m gonna shave 3/4’s of
my leg, so it’s gonna be hardwood floors, and the
rest is gonna be area rug. And you know what? I’m okay
with that. It’s vacation. If I want to have one eyebrow
that’s how it’s gon’ be. Number four, insta-tanners. Can we be real for a
second, can we be honest? Have a real moment? How many of you walk into nice places and your brain instantly
starts looking out for all the Instagram opportunities. Raise your hand. I’m super guilty of this, and
I’mma just be real with you, people go on vacation for two reasons: 60% to take selfies, 40% eat food. That’s just what it is. And you know I gotta get all
those typical beach pictures you know, your legs and then
the water off in the distance, your feet in the sand, holding
the drink up in the air. The view from the room,
except ours is of a building. Is that a jail? And is it just me? This is so ridiculous. But when I take pictures on
the beach, I like it to seem like I’m the only person
on the beach, although I know that makes no sense,
there’s clearly hundreds of people on this resort,
but when my friend takes a picture of me, I need them to wait so that no one is walking
in the background. And I don’t know who is more annoying, me or the people walking
in the background. “Like, brah, can you not see I’m trying “to take a picture over here?
Two kilometers away from you? “Why you all up in the
background ruining my ish? “What are you even doing,
teaching your kid how to swim? “Stop it, that’s not cute! “You’re ruining my private
beach illusion right now. “And you know that I
don’t got the capabilities “or patience to Photoshop you out, so you “just need to crop
yourself out in real life. “This is my beach!” said every rapper. Number five, the old fab couple. Every resort has at least one couple that is just effing fabulous. I’m talkin’ like in their 70’s or 80’s and they’re dressed
well, they’re so in love, they dance amazing, and
they’re having more fun than everybody else. Just like salsa, tango, lookin’ good. They are goals, ’cause teenagers be like “Oh my God, today we went,
like, to a boat party “and we, like, totally jet-skied, like, “I couldn’t even get any Snapchat footage “I’m so annoyed.” This older couple is like,
“Today we took a walk “and sent a text message. “It was a great day.” And I’mma be real with
you, seeing this couple really melts my heart because I know I will never have the patience
to grow old with someone. I don’t even have the patience to wait those five seconds to skip a YouTube ad. You know, it’s like, can
skip in five, four… As soon as it says that I’m
like click, click, click, click just hoping that there’ll
be some sort of glitch and I’ll click, click, click,
click, click, click, click… Having said that, you should
never do that on my videos. Hola! Number six, the horndogs. Now these are the people
that go on vacation to make out, to get laid, to get wild, to hook up, to get
frisky, and they usually go home with souvenirs like t-shirts, shot glasses, and herpes. Yesterday we went to a club in Cancun and it was just so amusing watching all the people hook up, and I have a very strict no-judgment rule, like you do you, do what makes you happy, I ain’t here to judge you,
but it was just so amusing to see two complete strangers
making out for the first time. Because it’s like watching a history major go to class, there’s no chemistry. I saw this one dude making out with a girl and I’m like, are you making out with her or trying to fold her
into an origami swan? She don’t bend that way! And then I saw this other pair making out and it was just so robotic
the guy was like… It was like watching
two robots making out. I swear it was like watching Rubik’s Cubes making out with each other. I swear to God I saw some
motor oil spill. (chuckles) Nothing says vacation like making out with a complete stranger and hoping they don’t have a history of cold sores. Hola. Hola! Yo! I hope you enjoyed that video! If you did, give it a
big thumbs-up because, you know, I’m on vacation
and I still wanted to give you a video because
I love you oh so, oh so much. If you wanna check out my
last video it’s right there. It’s my parents’ reaction
to Justin Bieber’s ♫ What do you mean ♫ My blogs are right there
if you want to follow along on my trip to Mexico and,
yo, make sure you subscribe because I make new videos every Monday and Thursday, and I’d
love for you to be here. One love Superwoman. That is a wrap. And hola!

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