Weekend Update: Leslie Jones on Vacation – SNL


SUMMER IS JUST AROUND THE
CORNER. MANY PEOPLE ARE PLANNING THEIR
SUMMER VACATIONS. NOT OUT OF PENN STATION.
HERE IS SOMEONE WHO RECENTLY WENT ON A VACATION TO ROME,
LESLIE JONES.>>I WANT TO GIVE YOU SOME GOOD,
GOOD LOVING. YEAH.
HELLO, COLIN JOST.>>WOW.
THAT’S VERY FORMAL. I WAS EXPECTING SOMETHING LIKE
YOU LITTLE VANILLA BEAN.>>I’M SORRY.
I DON’T NEED TO DO THAT ANYMORE. I AM NO LONGER THIRSTY.
FINALLY THE NATIONAL CRISIS IS OVER.
I MET SOMEONE. NOW, I DON’T KNOW IF I EVER
MENTIONED THIS TO YOU BEFORE, BUT I HAVE A LITTLE TROUBLE IN
THE MEN DEPARTMENT. I DID WHAT ANY BLACK WOMAN WITH
MAN TROUBLE, FREE TIME, AND A PASSPORT WOULD DO.
I WENT TO JAMAICA. AND I DID EVERYTHING.
I GOT MY HAIR BRAIDED, I SMOKED A LITTLE WEED, COCONUT OILED
MYSELF UP, SMOKED A LOT MORE WEED.
I PUT ON A LITTLE ALLEN DRESS WITH THE FRINGES THAT MAKE YOUR
BOOTY LOOK THICK.>>NICE.
WOULD YOU SAY YOU GOT YOUR GROOVE BACK?
>>NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN. LOOK AT ME.
NEVER.>>SORRY.
>>SO I WENT TO THE CLUB AND IN THE FIVE MINUTES I WAS NOT
LOOKING, A REAL MAN WALKED UP THE STAIRS AND FOUND ME AND IT
WAS — YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING?>>YES, I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE
SAYING. TELL ME MORE ABOUT IT.
DETAILS, DETAILS.>>LET ME EXPLAIN.
FOR WHAT HE DID TO ME IN THAT SHOWER, I SHOULD IN A TINY ROOM
WITH A TINY TABLE SITTING AT A TINY CHAIR, WRITING ON A TINY
PIECE OF PAPER IN TINY LETTERS.>>WAIT.
WHY?>>BECAUSE IT WAS SACRED.
WE DID THE DO NOT EVERYWHERE. ON THE BALCONY, IN THE HAMMOCK.
IN THE CLIFFS WITH A BUNCH OF SEA CREATURES EVERYWHERE.
COLIN, HAVE YOU EVER HAD SEX WITH A BUNCH OF CRABS WATCHING
YOU?>>I HAVE NOT.
>>THE CRABS ARE LIKE — NOW, I USED TO HATE WHEN MY FRIENDS SAY
YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FIND A MAN UNTIL YOU STOP LOOKING.
I WAS ALWAYS LOOKING. I WAS ADVERTISING MY AS LIKE A
BEGINSU KNIVES. THIS BOOTY CAN CUT THROUGH A CAN
AND STILL SLICE THROUGH A TOMATO AFTERWARDS.
IN JAMAICA I REALIZED I DIDN’T NEED TO TRY SO HARD.
ALL I NEEDED TO DO WAS BE ME.>>THAT’S GREAT ADVICE.
I’M HAPPY TO HEAR THAT. I FEEL LEFT OUT, I GUESS.
>>OH, COLIN. YOU ALWAYS FIND A WAY TO BRING
IT BACK TO YOU, DON’T YOU. SELFISH AS.
YOU DELICIOUS COCONUT MILK SHAKE.
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY VANILLA BACK UP.
AND YOU CAN ALWAYS COME OVER AND WATCH ME LIKE ONE OF THOSE
CRABS.>>LESLIE JONES, EVERYONE.
THAT’S WEEKEND UPDATE.

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